An Update

yep.

once again,it's been a minute, but believe me, this blog hasn't been the only thing neglected. I've been crazy busy...it is what it is!

So. I got an AMAZING second job. AMAZING. No, really...its AMAZING. I don't think I can stress that enough.

So, since the cancer, I've been on this whole 'natural hair kick'. The first products I used were by Oyin Handmade, a really small company run by a husband and wife (and HoneyBaby) team...where everything is (duh) handmade in small batches. Well, they have grown a bit, and have a staff now, and are still equally as amazing as they were when they started. I have been a fan since the whole 'incident' of losing my hair (actually, before it began before that...but still)...I mean a HUGE fan. Stalkerish, even.

So imagine my glee when they tweeted an open position in their Baltimore kitchen! Talk about excited..I IMMEDIATELY emailed my completely irrelevant and lacking of past experience though I really have some resume to the GrandMixtress herself. Then imagine the smile I had on my face when I got the email asking me to come in for an interview (which was scheduled for a Tuesday, but I literally BEGGED to do it ealier, IF they were available...which they were!!) And then imagine the outrageous squeal that I had to choke back when I saw the phone ring...and I was happy when my lights flashin cuz Oyin's on my receiver, OH! (No Lady Gaga).

So yes...now I am officially an Oyin HoneyBee, a.k.a. WorkerBee. I work 'in the lab', cooking up all of the goodies that I love so much. I do still work with my students, this is now my morning job. But of course, with working 2 jobs, one of which is in Ballamo' (as my lovely co-workerBees like to claim it) I'M DOG TIRED. My bad for neglecting yall reader folk for a minute...but I've been sleeping so well since starting!

SideNote: I haven't been seeing Dr.Sistagirl. She came down with a crazy allergy issue, and has to have some sort of surgery, so its been weeks. I honestly haven't worried about it either...but one of my good friends has, which got me to thinking about it. Wonder how THAT is helping me out...

The kiddios are doing great. The Cadet is in the kitchen fixing me a perfectly browned grilled cheese sammich as I type this #BeingACookingTeensMomROCKS! Boy Wonder seems to be getting along nicely (fighting back when he needs to, ugh!) and Bean is Bean. She gets along with everyone (except her brothers) all the time. As expected.

...and as I type this, someone is annoying Bean. Gotta go put out an AYD fire...until next time...

If I wasn't crazy enough before...

I will be shortly.

So...here I am, for the first time in my life, feeling helpless because of SNOW. After spending most of my life in Michigan, I was happy to give away my snow pants and shovels, and pack up my things to move to DC and Maryland.

Last Thursday, I got off work, and headed home, feeling confident that my deep freezer was full of food, and that the gallon and a half of milk in the fridge would hold us through this so called 'snow storm' we were about to get. Now, I have been here almost 2 years, and I had seen what they called snow storms around these parts. To Michiganders, those were days that the kids got excited and begged to go out and play. I'm sure you all remember the day DC schools got cancelled, and President Obama laughed about it publically. Nationally, even. That's what I'm talkin about, that's what I expected.

But no.

We got the NorEasterElNinoSlamDunk of all snowstorms.

And for the first day, I was cool. No biggie. (This was friday)

Then Saturday came. The local news was playing ALL DAY. NON-STOP. No commercials, no news breaks about personal interest stories, no soap operas, nothin! All snowstorm coverage, all traffic (or lack there-of). And to be honest, the NBC Local News 4 did a great job, because I was throughly enthused-them cats were quite entertaining!

Then Sunday came. No church (though a conference call service was held-how cool is that?!?) News was still saying dont drive if you mustn't. I saw firetrucks and ambulances with snow tires and chains on the wheels STUCK in the snow! Now, I can drive in snow...but I wasn't about to go anywhere!

Not only that, but I clown folks regularly for making a big fuss over a little bit of snow. See, here in MD, they aren't used to more than a couple inches of snow, so they dont have the proper equipment to handle it. Only a few thousand plow trucks, a few hundred tons of salt...stuff like that. Residents don't know how to drive in this stuff, because they usually don't have to.

Which makes me afraid.

Read again.

Now, I can drive in snow...but I wasn't about to go anywhere! Residents don't know how to drive in this stuff, because they usually don't have to.

THESE FOLKS CAINT DRIVE IN SNOW!!!

So annyway...

Monday comes along, and I finally go out on my steps to see the damage. The plow trucks have come through my apartment complex...and there is a 6ft tall mountain of snow blocking my car in. Not to mention the 3 feet on top of the car, and on the ground around Whitey Ford as well.

I used my neighborhood, friendly soundboard to make my plea for help (Facebook saves the day once again!)...screaming about my cabin fever, lack of fruit, milk and cereal. Luckily, an adventurous few made their way through the snow towards me (clowning me all the way, might I add...YES, this snow DID get the best of me! I can admit it) and brought me my staples, and shoveled me out of Antarctica. Thanks God for folks with serving hearts and adrenalin!

Today, I made my way out into the element, using my 16 years of driving through Michigan winter skills, filled up Whitey Ford's tank and went to the grocery store. That took a total of 3 hours from start to finish, with 5 of those minutes being filling the tank, a total of 15 minutes driving, and another 25 actually shopping. (The grocery store is a quarter of a mile from my house). So, if you're doing the math, you realize that I spent 2 hours and 15 minutes in the parking lot of the grocery store. Confucius told Nostradamus that 2012 was coming early, along with Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow and Deep Impact...all they needed was the Book of Eli (shout out to my favorite disaster, end of the world movies).

Got home safely. Praise God for that.

I have been emailing back and forth with my supervisors, AYDExtroidanaire and The Songstress...talking about how the girls are gonna be once program begins again later this week...

And I get an email stating "See you Thursday(?!)", meaning that DC public school are closed AGAIN tomorrow (as they were today and Monday). So, I go to the website for my own kids school district.

And I saw what has given me an extra 36 beautiful and luxurious gray hairs.


My kids are out of school until NEXT TUESDAY.

That means we will have been stuck together, in this house for a full 12 days. 12 "Wii playing, house cleaning, do your homework again, read all of the Harry Potter Books and watch the movies too, you'd better recycle those clothes because Im not taking them to the laundromat in this snow" days.

If I wasn't crazy enough before...I will be shortly.

Y'all...pray for me.





or better yet,
pray for the kiddios.


~mommayonna

Its been a long time coming...

Hey there readers...

Sorry I haven't been on the job lately...things have been slightly hectic here, and priorities have had to take the front seat.

First things first, after lots a prayer (and a bit of fasting), I got good results about my health. The thing that I was most afraid of is not what the issue is, and I couldn't be more happy. However, I do have some more minor issues, but nothing so big that I can't deal with it on my own, without a physician prescribing something.

Because of this, I have turned into quite a swimmer! Swimming has turned into my favorite form of exercise, because (Imma be honest with you guys) I'M LAZY. When I'm in the pool, I feel like its fun, even if I'm just swimming back and forth. It doesn't feel like 'work'...perfect for me! As a severe asthmatic, its helping to build up my lung capacity, which is a bonus. I don't have a set workout just yet, so I make sure I swim back and forth for about an hour, then I do a few laps in a resistance pool, and I feel great afterwards. So, if you're needing to workout, but just can't seem to get it together, try finding a local recreation center with an indoor pool (The Sports and Learning Complex in Prince George's County is where I go, only $18 a month for a county resident membership!)

Also, I have had lots of things going on with the kiddios. Folks are on restriction right now...handing out punishments while thinking about AYD is HARD! The momma in me wants to punish without thought, but the AYD worker in me wants to make sure I don't crush their spirits (clearly, the momma doesn't care!)

Finally, I have FINALLY found a therapist that I like! I have my first full session with her on the 17th of February, but even my preliminary consultation was amazing. So professional and inviting, this doctor will be nothing like the last (I'm hoping). I will keep you updated on how things go.

So readers...whats up with you?

Umm...my bad

I know its been a good minute since I last posted; please accept my most sincere apologies for that. I have been getting back to life after the vacation, dealing with my middle schooler who has a 1.47 GPA, yet doesn't wanna go to the neighborhood high school (you have to apply to get into the high school you want around here, kinda like college-and a 1.47 would only get him laughed at)...going back to work, looking for a new residence (mad early, our lease isn't up until the end of July, but I really want to move this year!), and my physical health. Mental health is still an issue, but physical is taking over.

Had my annual physical yesterday, and some really unsettling things were found.

Please bear with me. It is my intention to continue this blog on purpose (AYD, mommahood and dealing with my depression), but it may turn into something else, depending on my mood. I appreciate you reading so far, and hope you will continue. I especially appreciate the comments; not only does it let me know that you're reading, but I get a look into your lives, your insights. You offer me ideas that I take away to work with. I look forward to your words.

So, as we go into 2010, I look forward to being here with you all.

Please please please go to the doctor folks. So often, we go about life with minor aches and pains, pop a pill and think nothing of it, yet something bigger is developing inside of us. Paying for insurance is something adults seem to have to do, but grown ups actually take advantage of it. If you have it, be a grown up.

See you next time,

~yonna

The Butterfly Effect

Good morning (or day, whenever it is that you get a chance to read this). Its a great day to be alive, oh yes, it is. Clearly, the sun is peeking through my mini-blinds, and I'm in a great mood!

First things first, I had to change things up around here, and got myself a new background, and some different colors...and they make me smile. I have a 'thing' for argyle right now, and purple being my favorite color, I just could not go wrong with this one. That and the fact that the youth in the background made my day! What do you think?

So, yesterday, Deputy Director and I went to an AYD reunion. Basically, anyone who went to an AYD training within the past year or so was invited back to check in, network, and be re-inspired about the work that us youth workers do. And BOY, was it inspiring.

The creator of the AYD Curriculum was there, and she explained how and why she came to write it, and then how she worked to get it to us. She ended up teaching the first 3 or 4 AYD trainings in the same church basement that I took my training in, the same one we were sitting in yesterday, 10 years ago. Boy, the effects those trainings had on the metro DC area!

Then, a wonderful family therapist (among a laundry list of other titles she carries,) Adrienne Noel of Baltimore, MD, served as our keynote speaker, explaining that the way a family communicates with one another is the way that they will act out their lives in society.

The way that she broke down our sample family made so much sense! I know that not only did I see these exact examples in some of my students families, but in my own as well.

For example:

*A woman refers to "My Baby's Father", and her teenaged daughter referring to her own "My baby's daddy". The daughter takes note from her own mother on how to 'show respect' to the father of her child, in giving him this title.

*Son of the family being called "Lil Man" as he is growing up, and then the pressures that are put on him prematurely, in order to live up to the moniker. (The same would apply, I feel, in a case of a little girl being called "Lil Mama")

*The way that parenting styles are carried out, especially between parents and offspring that are less than 20 years in age apart. How its usually one way (I'm the parent, children are to speak when spoken to, hard core discipline) or the other (I'm my childs best friend/we talk about EVERYTHING, but why won't they take my discipline seriously) and being able to find a balance, or not.

I also learned that the way that I communicate with my students can change their whole family. When I 'have a moment' with my girls (usually a disciplinary action, where we ask a disruptive student to take a moment in the hall, and we go and speak to them about it individually), I have to make sure that they understand why I have asked them to step out, realize what they did wrong, and how we can avoid this in the future. But I also have to make sure that they know I care about them; that I am not making judgement calls about them; that they are Important to Me, that I care enough to notice their actions, and that I see where they can improve and where I can offer my help. In most cases, if the student is comfortable with me, I make sure I hug them at the end of our conversation, because I want them to know that what I have said to them is genuine; I DO care about my girls, and want them to succeed. I also know that sometimes, these may be the only hugs that they get, for whatever reason, and this small amount of nurturing will go a long way.

I make sure that they know exactly how I feel about them (in the positive light). I remember telling one of my students just the other day, that I know she is a respectful young lady. She has two sisters in the program with her, and in listening to them speak, I know that they have been taught to resolve conflicts on a one on one basis. They actually use the term 'conflict resolution' in their everyday conversation! I let her know that I KNOW you have been taught this, that she knows how it works, but maybe we should try approaching it in a different way. Then I just told her plainly "I pay attention to you, what you do and what you say. You are an amazing person, but even amazing people have bad moments; let's work through this and get back to having amazing moments ." We went on to talk about getting past the issue, and getting back on track. Then I gave her a hug, and told her that I was glad she was in the program, and that she is so important to me, and why I am here (in the program). Then I sent her back into the classroom. Later on that day, the staff member that she had the conflict with gave her a shout out (which is a BIG DEAL to our students) for coming to her and solving the conflict on her own. I could do nothing but smile to know that Middle Sister had gone to the staff member on her own, and taken care of this in a quiet, inconspicuous manner, and that all was well in her world.

In turn, Middle Sister will now take this information she has just gathered back to her household. She will think about how she deals with someone, and this will pass along to the rest of her siblings, possibly even her parents. If so, I have done an effective job of youth development...for the day.

Youth development is ongoing, its constant. Youth are never fully developed. there are always teachable moments, just as there will always be learning moments. I am glad to have people and resources in my life that understand that, and are willing to teach and learn.

The Realization that its working...

The kiddios and I spent Thanksgiving with my mom up in MI. It was a nice holiday (the exception being that I realized I'm allergic to mom's dog, the ONLY dog Ive ever liked in this world).

Of course, kids being kids, there were many opportunities to flex my AYD at Home skills. I mean, when you put 2 adults and 3 kids in a VERY small 2 bedroom apartment, things get really close, really quick.

I realized though, that the AYD works when my mom and I were having a conversation with Q. He was having an issue with Bean and she came out of the room, feelings hurt because he told her "I'm starting to hate you now". So of course, I had to have a conversation with them both.

I explained that first of all, words CAN hurt a person. That I think I understood what Q meant, but I don't think Bean did. There's no secret in our house that everyone really does (down deep) love each other, but that siblings annoy one another. That's kind of part of being a sibling, especially a younger one. The younger sib tests the patience of the older. But the way that the older expresses that annoyance effects the situation. I asked Q if I told him that I was starting to hate him, would his feelings be hurt? He said yes. I asked him if I told him he was getting on my nerves, would his feeling be hurt in the same way; he said nope, that doesn't hurt him, he just knows to back off. Then he got my point.

My mom then explained that in dealing with the kiddios, I talk to them, not at them. We discuss what our issues are, and I ask them for alternatives. I ask for and value their opinions, and listen to them, treating them with respect. She said that I treat them like young people, not little kids.

That was my AHA moment.

Someone else saw what I was trying to do.

I feel like this really is working, and its worth something.

Good days...and bad ones too

Hello there! Lots going on this holiday week, but I didn't want to leave you without a post. I'll be back next week with good newness, especially since I plan on taking another AYD course next week, and you know, with new training comes new insight!

Umm, yeah...
So, a subject that I haven't really hit on very much is this depression that I deal with. Notice, I said deal with, and not suffer from. Though some days are harder than others, and I do a bit of suffering, I don't like to say that. I deal with it on a day by day basis. And at times, it seems like day in, day out, things aren't getting better, but I'm still here, aren't I?

So I STILL have yet to see my therapist (appointment has been rescheduled for next week...and doggit, it just struck me that its during this training I'm thinking of taking...hmmm...) but luckily I have friends who not only have dealt with issues such as depression, but I also just discovered that I have friends who are actually therapists of various kinds as well. See what speaking up will do?

Anyway, I have what I like to call "down days", where I can't even seem to get out of bed. I get up, get my kids out the door and on their way to school, but then I cant seem to motivate myself to do anything else. I mean, this depression hurts, physically. My body is all over the place; I am hardly hungry, I barely sleep and honestly, if I didn't HAVE to, I probably wouldn't bathe. Too much information, I'm sure...but I'm just being honest. I make it a point of being excited to go to work with the girls, so I force myself out of the bed and into the bathroom for a daily hygiene regimen, to set a good example. Yeah, its come to that.

In all actuality, its like that on a daily basis, weekends too. I have to make lots of plans and keep myself busy in order to keep myself from wallowing everyday. That's a good thing, really. As long as I'm up, moving and doing something for someone else, I am happy. Service is what keeps me busy, and it makes my mind work when it doesn't really want to. As I type this, I am checking the time, because I have volunteered to drop of Thanksgiving baskets collected by my church to a senior citizens home.

Rambling...The point of all of this was to give a tip that I was given this weekend.

Since i have returned home from Daddy's funeral in June, I haven't been so motivated (thank the depression) to clean my home a fervently as I had in the past. I have done my best to make sure that the common areas are presentable, but my room is in a constant state of CHAOS. CHAOS meaning Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. When I have people over, they should be able to roam freely in my home (I believe), especially since I have a bathroom in my room, and if the other is in use, mine should be available. Well, let's be honest...the door to my bedroom has been closed to the public for months now, and I do not feel at all good about that. The advice that I got this weekend was to do everything in steps. I can't cure my depression overnight, nor can I wipe away its effects on me. I have to take small steps to get to where I need to me.

So today, I cleaned off my bed and changed the sheets. Sounds easy, but honestly, it wasn't. It took real effort to do it. I wanted to make sure that I put everything away that was piled up on the bed, and then I got to stripping it and putting on brand new sheets...the ones I had bought a couple months ago, but never had the energy to put on. And the energy it took! It took me all of 45 minutes to accomplish my task, and I feel great...tired, but great! (I told you, depression wears on your physical body!) I am leaving to go visit family for the holiday tomorrow and how great will it be to come home to a fresh, cozy bed?

That was step one. Step 2 will be to clean off the top of my dresser, either tonight or tomorrow. See, it may not be a big deal, and may not look like much to everyone else, but I know that it is making a difference. It may take alot longer than some think it should, but it gets done. Looking at the big picture, my entire room, that's overwhelming; I get discouraged and procrastinate and it never gets done. But by taking a small bit and doing it, its not so daunting.

Didn't mean to be so long winded there...

So as you go on your way about this holiday week, I hope that you and yours have a blessed one. Be thankful for what you have, and do not regret what you do not. Take a look at those children in your life, and treasure the time that you have with them as youth. Look at your relationship with them; do you respect them as people (not kids)? Do you talk to them in ways that make them feel less of a person, or are you contributing to their enrichment, and guiding them to make choices that will make their transition to adulthood pleasant? Are you depositing or withdrawing from their emotional banks? Will they be thankful for you being in their lives?

Have a wonderful week, and don't eat too much! Be careful out there on Black Friday as well!

Shameless Plug...

This is a shameless plug for help. My organization, Interstages, Inc. (where I use these wonderful AYD techniques) is facing financial hardships, and you can help us out (for free!) by clicking and voting for us.



We also accept conventional donations as well; check out our website at www.interstages.org for more information.

Thanks in advance!

Anti-Prevention and Ask MommaYonna

So...today, we will talk about prevention programs. I'm sure you know of some...like DARE (anti-drug use), violence prevention programs, suicide prevention, sexual abuse/activity prevention...blah blah blah. I am not here to say that these things are good or bad; shoot, I was able to experience a number of these programs in my youth. You get alot of information out of these, and for some, the scare tactics actually work (...on kids who have been sheltered from these type of events, on a regular basis). But for many of our youth (and when I say Our, I mean my own, as well as the students I teach, who live in more urban areas, in close quarters with many people, and in metropolitan areas, where the rates of domestic crimes are high)these preventative programs just barely gloss over the facts that they see on a daily basis.

There is an assertion out there that 'problem free is not fully prepared', and I agree with this statement. When we try to "fix" our youth, we sell the young people short, and diminish our expectations for their achievement. We can do our best to teach them, and try to prevent high risk behaviors, but even if we achieve in doing so, its not the same as preparing them for the future. "Preparation requires an equal commitment to helping youth understand life's challenges and responsibilities and to teach youth the necessary skills for success."* Just because we are teaching the youth how to stay away and prevent issues from happening, we aren't fully preparing them for adulthood. They aren't going to "make it" in the world, just because they didn't get pregnant, join a crew/gang, or because they didn't use drugs; they learned prevention--not skills, knowledge or personal attributes. Developing the youth towards positive developmental outcomes really is the best strategy for problem prevention. It takes dedicated adults to do this. We have to help them strive for toward more positive goals that promote the skills and motivation they need to adopt and implement healthy lifestyles.

What does that mean?
I try my best to not tell a girl "Don't go out and have sex, you'll get pregnant, and that will be the end of life as you know it". Not only is this negative, but its flat out unlikely. How many teenaged mothers do you know of that still live a teenaged life? Still go to school, still hang with friends, still go on to college or get a job? True, life is different, because they have to come home to more responsibilities than a girl who doesn't have a child, but with some many multi-generational homes, there is most likely someone there who is taking up the slack for the youth. No one want to let the baby suffer, so everyone pitches in, in some way. Instead, I encourage her to think about other things; I ask questions to find out what they are thinking about, which in turn, gets them to discuss what they see, feel and think. I go out of my way to NOT make statements of judgement, because I know that I am an influence in their lives, and my personal feelings and opinions can change the way that they see me, but also their world. I also try not to share too much of my personal life experience in this matter, because that is subconsciously telling them my personals again...feelings and opinions. "Ms. Rayawwwwna didn't have sex at my age because she wasn't ready...I wonder what she thinks of me, because I was. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this with her anymore" would be the thoughts going through my students' mind, and I would lose the trust of a student, something that would hurt me dearly, since the safety and security that I strive to provide may not be readily available within their familial units, and I would have lost them right then and there.

Basically, with prevention programs, the young people are deemed competent and healthy when they do not participate in problem behaviors. This teaches them what not to do, but this does not teach them what they should do.

Woo.
Yeah. I've found myself being more and more critical of these programs here lately, because my son, Q, has been having alot of these types of programs being introduced in his middle school. Many times, he doesn't know it, but I get the reminder phone calls from school, and emails from teachers, asking for our participation. As a parent, this prompts me to bring things of this nature up in general conversation, as opposed to "You' aren't using drugs are you?", which of course he would deny (even if he were) out of fear of judgement and punishment. Instead, when its brought up in general conversation, he may feel more comfortable asking questions and discussing what he does know. At that time, I do my best to answer factually, and unbiased, no matter how I am feeling about it on the inside. Personal opinions must go out the window, unless he asks, and sometimes, even in that case, I still try to keep it to a minimum. YES, ITS HARD, but he is a youth in development as well!


Okay folks...
I'm getting long winded (as folks tend to do when they feel certain passion over a subject), so I'm going to cut it short here. But I do want to know what you think. Please comment, discuss, ask questions-whatever you feel comfortable doing. Also, should you have a question, or a situation you'd like to present to me, please do so at Momma.Yonna@yahoo.com, and I will do my best to help you out. Now, I am not the end-all/be-all when it comes to youth development (I'm still learning), but maybe I can offer a suggestion or some insight that will help you out. Then again, maybe I will end up learning from you. Let's find out together, eh?



*Advancing Youth Development: A Curriculum for Training Youth Workers, Handout 1-C, Key Youth Development Concepts and Assertions

the turnaround

Hey there readers...this week has been a whirl-wind!

First things first, thanks for the well wishings that I got. I had fully recovered, and am chock full of the daily recommended amount of blood again, so I am all ready to go!

On the home front...things are...different. Report cards came out this week, and school pictures were sent home at the same time. Its funny...when I look at the pictures of my kiddios, I can see everything that is going on in their live, right on their faces.

Q has this "I'm too cool to smile, because thats just not what 8th grade boys do...but momma said she was paying good money for these pictures, so I'd better not look mean" look on his face. He also shows me that there are lots of things on his mind...gotta keep his grades up, or the drum lessons will become shorter; dealing with girls; trying to keep up with homework; and church things: his best friends go to church with us, and do things one way, while the neighborhood kids he goes to school with do things another way. He feels like he has 2 sets of friends, and being the same person in front of both groups isn't as easy as he thought it would be.

J brought his pictures home, and his face looks like "I want to smile...and I'm gonna...but wait! I'm not ready...doggit, you caught me". J is having some issues right now. What I didn't realize in my own grief is that J (who is named after my daddy) has been hit hard by his death as well. Not only are J and I very close, and he sees what I'm going through, but being a namesake hasn't made things easier for him. His grades are effected. Being a child who deals with emotional abuse issues, he takes EVERYTHING alot harder than his siblings. His grades are showing this as well. He does great on his tests, and does his homework, but gets lazy at the point where he has to hand it in. He is also easily distracted in class. I told him today to let his teacher know that I need to work on an IEP (Individual Education Plan) with her, because I am thinking that he may need psychological help in school. I already sees a counselor, and is in the 'Confidence Club' (a group of students who are shy or have esteem issues, working with one of the school counselors), but he may need more than that. I already knew what his grades were before the report cards came home (thanks to online grade reporting), so I knew what to expect. However, he was crushed when he got his grades. He was reluctant to show me, because he thought he was going to get in trouble, but since I knew a couple of weeks ago, I had already thought about what to do, and without him realizing it, we have already been dealing with it. But those grades! The only thing that he has to gauge himself with...he saw them, and immediately decided that he was stupid. I have to explain to him constantly that he is not stupid, he is not a dummy, but maybe the way he's learning isn't the style that's best for him. I explained that there are 9 different learning styles, and most teachers really only use 3 or 4 of them. I told him that I will help him to find his learning style, and that we will work together to bring those grades up...together.

Bean's pictures showed me exactly what I already knew about her. "I love this, this is cool, I am great and everything is well with the world". Her smile is so easy, and third grade life couldn't be better. Her only real issues in life are why we can't go out and buy her teacher a huge birthday present, and dealing with her brothers at home. However, last night, she told me she felt so bad, she wanted to run away. I asked her why, she said "because I keep doing wrong things". She said this after I reminded her about deodorant. (Yes...its gotta be in the hormones in the food...my baby has been wearing deodorant since she was 5!) Every night, after showers, I ask my kids the 3 questions...Did you brush your teeth? Did you put on deodorant? Did you take your medicine? She had forgotten one of those, and I asked her to go and do it. Earlier in the day, she had forgotten to do something else. To me, its no big deal, but I have to remember, I'm not 8. To her, anytime mom has to tell her to do something that she should have already done, its a big deal, and 'maybe I'm getting in trouble'. I tried to break it down to her as much as I could, explaining that everyone makes mistakes before they get really good at something, they even forget a bunch of times before something becomes a habit. We laid together, quietly talking for a few minutes, as I let her know that messing up is okay and that I would be very sad if she ran away. My life wouldn't be the same, and who would help me when the brothers ganged up on me? Who would sing the girl songs with me, and who would I practice dancing with?

I swear, being a momma shows me myself. I thought this morning that a few months ago, all yesterdays conversations would have gone so differently...but thinking about youth development has really changed me. I also think about how my being an adult versus them being children has got to feel on their part, and that I don't want to disrespect them as people. Young people, but people nonetheless.


When was the last time you changed a conversation you were going to have with a child out of respect for them? Have you ever punished, or 'snapped' on a child because its 'what your're supposed to do'? Did this happen to you as a child, and if so, how has it effected your adulthood?

For some clarification...

I just realized that my readers are not stupid, but they may not understand the terms I'm using...so here is a brief tutorial so you can understand where I'm comin' from.


AYD, or Advanced Youth Development/Developer: That's me. This is what I do by trade. I didn't realize it, but its my dream job. The National Department of Labor is JUST NOW starting to recognize Youth Development as a career path here in America.


Youth Development: (The What)A process by which ALL young people seek ways to meet thei basic physical and social needs and to build knowledge and skills necessary to succeed in adolescence and adulthood. (The How) An approach to working with young people that defines goals/outcomes based on capacities, strengths and developmental needs of youth.


Adultism: all those behaviors and attitudes which flow fromt he assumption that adults are better than young people, and entitled to act upon young people in myriad ways without their agreement. (note: this is me. Has been; its how I was raised. Most of you may agree.)


Common statements from adultists include : "When are you going to grow up?", "You're being childish", "What do you know, you haven't experienced anything!"

Adultists also include those who "just don't do (or do well with) kids", those who give up on youth because "they just don't (want to) act right", or "don't deserve help because they don't help themselves".

So now that we have that established, do me a favor, and participate in the poll I have here to the right of my page. Be honest please (its anonymous); I'd really like to know how aware people are. I will admit that I have been an active adultist for years now, but am learning my way out of it. It was how I wad treated as a child/youth, it was how I was taught ("Children should be seen, not heard"), and its what I used on my own children...still do in alot of instances. But as I said, I am LEARNING my way out of it.

I want to thank You for being willing to take this journey with me.




Thanks to The National Training Institute for Community Youth Work for the materials; DC Trust and DC Best for the AYD training; Interstages, Inc. for sponsoring my training; Thandor and Syreeta of DC trust for training me; Q, J, and Bean for allowing me to use it at home, and my 18 babies for giving me practice everyday.

The Un-Punishments

This week, I have been dealing with E and his school issues. He settled the thing with the girl already, and had a doctor's appointment on Friday, so of course, there were no advancements on that front. My boy...he got his H1N1 shot, and smiled through it. I even took a picture.

Anyway, back to the point...

I got an email from one of his teachers. Brother-man is doing great on his tests...scores couldn't be more perfect. However, he isn't doing (or turning in, one of those) classwork and homework. He's skating by with great grades because his assessments make up so much of his them...but it IS NOT okay (with momma) that you're being lazy and not doing the side dishes, because the meat and potatoes have already been taken care of.

So...I decided to take away what he loves most. Grounded him from the Wii, and the computer (unless he has to do homework...oh yeah...he doesn't DO that). I also suspended his private drum lessons that he loves so much.

But then I had to realize...the drum lessons are his enrichment. taking away his artistic release is exactly the opposite of what I do for a living. I would be putting him in the same position I'm trying to take my students out of. So...drum lessons were given back.

I talked to the drum instructor, because we have alot of the same views on things, and found out what he thought. He thinks that I need to try to work on the character flaw in him, and in this case, its laziness. So I ask the boy about this, and its true. So I ask him what I can do to help him out...what can I do to help motivate him. He says that the things he looks forward to usually motivate him. So we work out a few 'motivational spurs' that we both agree on. We're gonna try these for a few days, to find out if they work. If he comes home and gets his homework done, he can go outside and hang with his friends (something that was taken away previously), and he can read those flippin' manga books that I said weren't proper reading material for his reading logs (I still believe that...but these are his release, and I am secretly happy he has taken an interest in reading so much that he was hurt to lose this privilege). If we can get through the week with all homework done and turned in, then he will get his Wii and computer privileges back. Let's see how this goes.

Now, in AYD terms, this is giving the child safety and structure, but its also creating an awareness of self worth. Safety and structure because he knows exactly what he is to do afterschool everyday, and it creates a routine, which is what kids need to be comfortable. Also, self worth, because he was able to help me make this decision, and understands that I do trust him, until he gives me a reason not to. He feels like he really made the decision, and therefore, invests himself into the outcome. What we are looking for is a positive outcome, and our full intention is to work until we get one. My job in this case is to be supportive, and guide him. If he falters, I will be there to try to get him back on track, but I must let him do this on his own. This is HIS learning moment, I am just along for the ride.

Double duty

So today, I was challenged to use my AYD training in my home life.

woo. hard work.

So I get to work today, and am setting up my classroom, preparing for the girls to come in, when I get a call from Q's guidance counselor. She explains that she has my 8th grader in her office. There was a girl that he's been bothering for about a week; pulling her hair, throwing things at her, and finally hitting her in the face. I instantly thought "This boy likes her...sheesh"...anyway, the counselor asked him why he did it, and he says "I was just irritating her" (and then I KNEW for a fact that he likes her).

The counselor explains that the girl hasn't said anything to anyone until today, because he hit her in the face...so she came crying to the counselor. Counselor calls Q out of class, describes the details the girl gave her, and does not deny one bit of it. She then calls me.

Explains the situation to me...and of course, I am already slightly heated that I got this phone call, at work, no less. I ask her repeatedly "Is he going to be disciplined?", and she keeps saying that the administration doesn't know about this (umm...why not? Aren't you a counselor? Isn't that administration?) She felt like she should call me on it before all else. So I let her know Yes, I will speak to him on the matter, but should this girl go home and tell her parents, my son will be disciplined in school. Don't get me wrong, I full well believe that he SHOULD be disciplined. He has no right to harass this child like this, like her or not. I ask the counselor to let him know that he should come straight home today, missing his beloved drum lesson, and I will speak to him then.

My co-workers overheard the call, and saw my reaction. The mom in me was upset, and felt one way. So they asked the AYD trained youth development worker to think about what to do. COME ON, MAN! I didn't feel like using AYD! This is my child!

yeah. HELLO!

Earth to Yonna. My kids are the reason why I know AYD works. After my first day of training, I began using it at home. They proved to me what the big deal was. I will admit, I didn't want to hear the harsh dose of reality they were trying to open my eyes to...I wanted to be the upset mom. I had my chance.

And then I taught my program. All of this went out the window for a few hours.

So I came home, and spoke to my son. I explained that yes, I am disappointed, but no, I'm not mad. He would not be punished (by me at least...if the school does anything I won't fight it). I explained that I know that he 'likes' her (and he grinned in embarrassment), but now that he is in middle school, this elementary routine is not the way to go about it. We have talked about him respecting women and girls, but maybe he thinks that only applies to his mother and sister. We discussed other ways to get a girls attention, how to let her know that you 'like' her without pulling hair, throwing things, or other things that his sister's 3rd grade peers are doing.

What he really needed was someone to let him know they understand what its like, and show him the right way to go about doing it. He has come to the decision that it may be too late with this girl, that he may never get on her good side again, but he wants to write her an apology card. I agreed, this may be a good thing to do, and I will help him.

Its funny how much this AYD really does leak into my home life. It has completely changed the way I think about kids, as well as myself. I will admit that I have been raised to be an adultist, but I am learning my way out of it as well. Its a long road, but I am working toward the end of it.