OOH, Good Jesus...its been wild!

Wow.
Recently, my posts have been dramatical*. Extra dramatical, even. This one is just as dramatical, I tell you. Here goes.

So, Friday, I wake up, and all is well. I talk to J about having to pick him up from school, because it is his first visit with the child psychologist, as he is beginning therapy for his childhood depression. I tell him I will be picking him up, then dropping him off again after the appointment.

I send all of the kids off to school, as usual. In the morning, if I am not swimming, I use this as my Me Time. I read my Bible, then spend my morning reading, watching TV and playing on my laptop, all from my bed, all at the same time.

I then shower, and prepare to leave the house to go get J. (Oh yeah, he sees his therapist in the same office where mine is, which is a beautiful thing...because if our therapists work together, its only going to help our household. Great therapists FTW**!)

I leave the house at 10:15, because his appointment begins at 10:45. Pick him up from school...go to the appointment (his therapist didn't come in, but he was okay with that...he got out of school, and was happy). My appointment ran from 11 to 11:50, and then we made our way back to school, where I dropped him off. I had a staff meeting at 12:30 to get to, but ran home to use the bathroom, and check my bank account online.

So I get in the apartment at noon, and run back to the bathroom in my room. I then dash over to my bed to grab the laptop...but its not there. "Now I know I just left it here..."...I look around and things are a mess. I look up at my dresser and my TV is gone...the cable cord dragged across the room. Oh No.

I run back up front and see that under the TV where the kids play video games...everything is gone. The Wii. Its 4 controllers, and the docking station for those controllers. The games (a few are left, scattered). The Wii wheels (for driving games)...all accessories...everything. There is a chair in front of the window, with muddy foot prints on it that carry themselves throughout my dining room.

Ive had a break-in. I call my job, tell them I can't come in. Then call the police. Officers are on their way, don't touch anything.

While all of this is sinking in...I decide to start taking pictures on my phone of stuff I notice missing.

Then I here my patio screen door slide.
I hear the blinds being pulled back.
The thief has returned.

About 25 feet from me is the thief, returning for another round of thievery, I assume. I starting screaming "Get out, get out of my house"...(of course, I had to confess, there were some expletives that came out as well, forgive me)...he froze, obviously surprised to see me back home so quickly. Then he bolted back out of the door, and by the time I got there, he was gone of course...me not knowing which way he went either.

I went back inside and called 911.

Blah Blah Blah...police came...I don't feel safe...he knows where I live, saw my face...

I locked up EVERYTHING...doors, windows, fridge...anything I could. Went directly to the leasing office and told them "My apartment has been broken into. The thief came back to my apartment. I do not feel safe there. I have had problems with staying on the ground floor here (for other reasons)...I need you guys to either move me to another unit on another floor or break my lease". They gave me some story about needing approval, blah blah blah...call them back shortly, so they can call home office. Sure. I called 15 minutes later, and they got approval. Told them I needed maintenance to come fix my doors, and add some security to my windows.

I then went to pick up J and Bean from school...had to explain to them what happened...they actually took it alot better than I thought they would (though Bean bombards people with "We Got Robbed" as soon as she sees them, instead of "Hi, how are you?"). Then I wanted to go pick up Q from school, since he rides the bus home, and usually gets home when no one else is there...I didnt want him to come home to an empty, ransacked house.

It was raining. Roads were wet, and the oil is beginning to rise to the surface, after being held down under snow and salt for weeks.

Guy in front of me hits his brakes, so I do the same...and realize I'm sliding.
I scream...so Bean screams.
Then we hit.
And he hits the truck in front of him.

My airbag didn't deploy, and my chest hurts, bad. Bean hit her head on my seat, and has a small mark on her face, because she turned her head, so her glasses shielded her from injury. J was completely fine. The paramedics commented on how smart I was to have Bean in a booster seat at the age of 8...shoot, I'm just following the laws (plus Bean is a lightweight at her age).

I don't know much else of what happened that day, because I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Had an EKG and and a chest XRAY, and I'm good. Turns out, the seatbelt locked, and with my full weight being thrown at it, I'm just sore. No bruising though...I'm so blessed!

So...thats the condensed version. Im sure there are details for days that I have left out...but that was my Friday.

Shouts to my loving church family, The DC Regional Christian Church (www.dccoc.org) for coming through in major ways. I called a sister who picked us (me and the younger 2 kiddios) up from the hospital; another brother for grabbing Q from school; the church ministry leaders for putting all 4 of us up in an extended stay hotel for the weekend; the sister who brought me boxes to pack and move; and the entire singles ministry who was ready to drop everything and help me move after church yesterday (but still plans to come through and help me move this coming Saturday instead).

Twice in one day, my life was compromised, but I am still here. Twice in one day, I was reminded of the grace and mercy of God, and I am still here, unhurt and happy.
Situations such as these remind us of why we trust and believe...




*I know that dramatical is not a real word...but I lovew the way it rolls off the tongue!
**FTW=for the win. I know some of you don't 'get' all of my acronyms, so I don't mind helping bring you up to speed!

The Butterfly Effect

Good morning (or day, whenever it is that you get a chance to read this). Its a great day to be alive, oh yes, it is. Clearly, the sun is peeking through my mini-blinds, and I'm in a great mood!

First things first, I had to change things up around here, and got myself a new background, and some different colors...and they make me smile. I have a 'thing' for argyle right now, and purple being my favorite color, I just could not go wrong with this one. That and the fact that the youth in the background made my day! What do you think?

So, yesterday, Deputy Director and I went to an AYD reunion. Basically, anyone who went to an AYD training within the past year or so was invited back to check in, network, and be re-inspired about the work that us youth workers do. And BOY, was it inspiring.

The creator of the AYD Curriculum was there, and she explained how and why she came to write it, and then how she worked to get it to us. She ended up teaching the first 3 or 4 AYD trainings in the same church basement that I took my training in, the same one we were sitting in yesterday, 10 years ago. Boy, the effects those trainings had on the metro DC area!

Then, a wonderful family therapist (among a laundry list of other titles she carries,) Adrienne Noel of Baltimore, MD, served as our keynote speaker, explaining that the way a family communicates with one another is the way that they will act out their lives in society.

The way that she broke down our sample family made so much sense! I know that not only did I see these exact examples in some of my students families, but in my own as well.

For example:

*A woman refers to "My Baby's Father", and her teenaged daughter referring to her own "My baby's daddy". The daughter takes note from her own mother on how to 'show respect' to the father of her child, in giving him this title.

*Son of the family being called "Lil Man" as he is growing up, and then the pressures that are put on him prematurely, in order to live up to the moniker. (The same would apply, I feel, in a case of a little girl being called "Lil Mama")

*The way that parenting styles are carried out, especially between parents and offspring that are less than 20 years in age apart. How its usually one way (I'm the parent, children are to speak when spoken to, hard core discipline) or the other (I'm my childs best friend/we talk about EVERYTHING, but why won't they take my discipline seriously) and being able to find a balance, or not.

I also learned that the way that I communicate with my students can change their whole family. When I 'have a moment' with my girls (usually a disciplinary action, where we ask a disruptive student to take a moment in the hall, and we go and speak to them about it individually), I have to make sure that they understand why I have asked them to step out, realize what they did wrong, and how we can avoid this in the future. But I also have to make sure that they know I care about them; that I am not making judgement calls about them; that they are Important to Me, that I care enough to notice their actions, and that I see where they can improve and where I can offer my help. In most cases, if the student is comfortable with me, I make sure I hug them at the end of our conversation, because I want them to know that what I have said to them is genuine; I DO care about my girls, and want them to succeed. I also know that sometimes, these may be the only hugs that they get, for whatever reason, and this small amount of nurturing will go a long way.

I make sure that they know exactly how I feel about them (in the positive light). I remember telling one of my students just the other day, that I know she is a respectful young lady. She has two sisters in the program with her, and in listening to them speak, I know that they have been taught to resolve conflicts on a one on one basis. They actually use the term 'conflict resolution' in their everyday conversation! I let her know that I KNOW you have been taught this, that she knows how it works, but maybe we should try approaching it in a different way. Then I just told her plainly "I pay attention to you, what you do and what you say. You are an amazing person, but even amazing people have bad moments; let's work through this and get back to having amazing moments ." We went on to talk about getting past the issue, and getting back on track. Then I gave her a hug, and told her that I was glad she was in the program, and that she is so important to me, and why I am here (in the program). Then I sent her back into the classroom. Later on that day, the staff member that she had the conflict with gave her a shout out (which is a BIG DEAL to our students) for coming to her and solving the conflict on her own. I could do nothing but smile to know that Middle Sister had gone to the staff member on her own, and taken care of this in a quiet, inconspicuous manner, and that all was well in her world.

In turn, Middle Sister will now take this information she has just gathered back to her household. She will think about how she deals with someone, and this will pass along to the rest of her siblings, possibly even her parents. If so, I have done an effective job of youth development...for the day.

Youth development is ongoing, its constant. Youth are never fully developed. there are always teachable moments, just as there will always be learning moments. I am glad to have people and resources in my life that understand that, and are willing to teach and learn.

Anti-Prevention and Ask MommaYonna

So...today, we will talk about prevention programs. I'm sure you know of some...like DARE (anti-drug use), violence prevention programs, suicide prevention, sexual abuse/activity prevention...blah blah blah. I am not here to say that these things are good or bad; shoot, I was able to experience a number of these programs in my youth. You get alot of information out of these, and for some, the scare tactics actually work (...on kids who have been sheltered from these type of events, on a regular basis). But for many of our youth (and when I say Our, I mean my own, as well as the students I teach, who live in more urban areas, in close quarters with many people, and in metropolitan areas, where the rates of domestic crimes are high)these preventative programs just barely gloss over the facts that they see on a daily basis.

There is an assertion out there that 'problem free is not fully prepared', and I agree with this statement. When we try to "fix" our youth, we sell the young people short, and diminish our expectations for their achievement. We can do our best to teach them, and try to prevent high risk behaviors, but even if we achieve in doing so, its not the same as preparing them for the future. "Preparation requires an equal commitment to helping youth understand life's challenges and responsibilities and to teach youth the necessary skills for success."* Just because we are teaching the youth how to stay away and prevent issues from happening, we aren't fully preparing them for adulthood. They aren't going to "make it" in the world, just because they didn't get pregnant, join a crew/gang, or because they didn't use drugs; they learned prevention--not skills, knowledge or personal attributes. Developing the youth towards positive developmental outcomes really is the best strategy for problem prevention. It takes dedicated adults to do this. We have to help them strive for toward more positive goals that promote the skills and motivation they need to adopt and implement healthy lifestyles.

What does that mean?
I try my best to not tell a girl "Don't go out and have sex, you'll get pregnant, and that will be the end of life as you know it". Not only is this negative, but its flat out unlikely. How many teenaged mothers do you know of that still live a teenaged life? Still go to school, still hang with friends, still go on to college or get a job? True, life is different, because they have to come home to more responsibilities than a girl who doesn't have a child, but with some many multi-generational homes, there is most likely someone there who is taking up the slack for the youth. No one want to let the baby suffer, so everyone pitches in, in some way. Instead, I encourage her to think about other things; I ask questions to find out what they are thinking about, which in turn, gets them to discuss what they see, feel and think. I go out of my way to NOT make statements of judgement, because I know that I am an influence in their lives, and my personal feelings and opinions can change the way that they see me, but also their world. I also try not to share too much of my personal life experience in this matter, because that is subconsciously telling them my personals again...feelings and opinions. "Ms. Rayawwwwna didn't have sex at my age because she wasn't ready...I wonder what she thinks of me, because I was. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this with her anymore" would be the thoughts going through my students' mind, and I would lose the trust of a student, something that would hurt me dearly, since the safety and security that I strive to provide may not be readily available within their familial units, and I would have lost them right then and there.

Basically, with prevention programs, the young people are deemed competent and healthy when they do not participate in problem behaviors. This teaches them what not to do, but this does not teach them what they should do.

Woo.
Yeah. I've found myself being more and more critical of these programs here lately, because my son, Q, has been having alot of these types of programs being introduced in his middle school. Many times, he doesn't know it, but I get the reminder phone calls from school, and emails from teachers, asking for our participation. As a parent, this prompts me to bring things of this nature up in general conversation, as opposed to "You' aren't using drugs are you?", which of course he would deny (even if he were) out of fear of judgement and punishment. Instead, when its brought up in general conversation, he may feel more comfortable asking questions and discussing what he does know. At that time, I do my best to answer factually, and unbiased, no matter how I am feeling about it on the inside. Personal opinions must go out the window, unless he asks, and sometimes, even in that case, I still try to keep it to a minimum. YES, ITS HARD, but he is a youth in development as well!


Okay folks...
I'm getting long winded (as folks tend to do when they feel certain passion over a subject), so I'm going to cut it short here. But I do want to know what you think. Please comment, discuss, ask questions-whatever you feel comfortable doing. Also, should you have a question, or a situation you'd like to present to me, please do so at Momma.Yonna@yahoo.com, and I will do my best to help you out. Now, I am not the end-all/be-all when it comes to youth development (I'm still learning), but maybe I can offer a suggestion or some insight that will help you out. Then again, maybe I will end up learning from you. Let's find out together, eh?



*Advancing Youth Development: A Curriculum for Training Youth Workers, Handout 1-C, Key Youth Development Concepts and Assertions

the turnaround

Hey there readers...this week has been a whirl-wind!

First things first, thanks for the well wishings that I got. I had fully recovered, and am chock full of the daily recommended amount of blood again, so I am all ready to go!

On the home front...things are...different. Report cards came out this week, and school pictures were sent home at the same time. Its funny...when I look at the pictures of my kiddios, I can see everything that is going on in their live, right on their faces.

Q has this "I'm too cool to smile, because thats just not what 8th grade boys do...but momma said she was paying good money for these pictures, so I'd better not look mean" look on his face. He also shows me that there are lots of things on his mind...gotta keep his grades up, or the drum lessons will become shorter; dealing with girls; trying to keep up with homework; and church things: his best friends go to church with us, and do things one way, while the neighborhood kids he goes to school with do things another way. He feels like he has 2 sets of friends, and being the same person in front of both groups isn't as easy as he thought it would be.

J brought his pictures home, and his face looks like "I want to smile...and I'm gonna...but wait! I'm not ready...doggit, you caught me". J is having some issues right now. What I didn't realize in my own grief is that J (who is named after my daddy) has been hit hard by his death as well. Not only are J and I very close, and he sees what I'm going through, but being a namesake hasn't made things easier for him. His grades are effected. Being a child who deals with emotional abuse issues, he takes EVERYTHING alot harder than his siblings. His grades are showing this as well. He does great on his tests, and does his homework, but gets lazy at the point where he has to hand it in. He is also easily distracted in class. I told him today to let his teacher know that I need to work on an IEP (Individual Education Plan) with her, because I am thinking that he may need psychological help in school. I already sees a counselor, and is in the 'Confidence Club' (a group of students who are shy or have esteem issues, working with one of the school counselors), but he may need more than that. I already knew what his grades were before the report cards came home (thanks to online grade reporting), so I knew what to expect. However, he was crushed when he got his grades. He was reluctant to show me, because he thought he was going to get in trouble, but since I knew a couple of weeks ago, I had already thought about what to do, and without him realizing it, we have already been dealing with it. But those grades! The only thing that he has to gauge himself with...he saw them, and immediately decided that he was stupid. I have to explain to him constantly that he is not stupid, he is not a dummy, but maybe the way he's learning isn't the style that's best for him. I explained that there are 9 different learning styles, and most teachers really only use 3 or 4 of them. I told him that I will help him to find his learning style, and that we will work together to bring those grades up...together.

Bean's pictures showed me exactly what I already knew about her. "I love this, this is cool, I am great and everything is well with the world". Her smile is so easy, and third grade life couldn't be better. Her only real issues in life are why we can't go out and buy her teacher a huge birthday present, and dealing with her brothers at home. However, last night, she told me she felt so bad, she wanted to run away. I asked her why, she said "because I keep doing wrong things". She said this after I reminded her about deodorant. (Yes...its gotta be in the hormones in the food...my baby has been wearing deodorant since she was 5!) Every night, after showers, I ask my kids the 3 questions...Did you brush your teeth? Did you put on deodorant? Did you take your medicine? She had forgotten one of those, and I asked her to go and do it. Earlier in the day, she had forgotten to do something else. To me, its no big deal, but I have to remember, I'm not 8. To her, anytime mom has to tell her to do something that she should have already done, its a big deal, and 'maybe I'm getting in trouble'. I tried to break it down to her as much as I could, explaining that everyone makes mistakes before they get really good at something, they even forget a bunch of times before something becomes a habit. We laid together, quietly talking for a few minutes, as I let her know that messing up is okay and that I would be very sad if she ran away. My life wouldn't be the same, and who would help me when the brothers ganged up on me? Who would sing the girl songs with me, and who would I practice dancing with?

I swear, being a momma shows me myself. I thought this morning that a few months ago, all yesterdays conversations would have gone so differently...but thinking about youth development has really changed me. I also think about how my being an adult versus them being children has got to feel on their part, and that I don't want to disrespect them as people. Young people, but people nonetheless.


When was the last time you changed a conversation you were going to have with a child out of respect for them? Have you ever punished, or 'snapped' on a child because its 'what your're supposed to do'? Did this happen to you as a child, and if so, how has it effected your adulthood?

The Un-Punishments

This week, I have been dealing with E and his school issues. He settled the thing with the girl already, and had a doctor's appointment on Friday, so of course, there were no advancements on that front. My boy...he got his H1N1 shot, and smiled through it. I even took a picture.

Anyway, back to the point...

I got an email from one of his teachers. Brother-man is doing great on his tests...scores couldn't be more perfect. However, he isn't doing (or turning in, one of those) classwork and homework. He's skating by with great grades because his assessments make up so much of his them...but it IS NOT okay (with momma) that you're being lazy and not doing the side dishes, because the meat and potatoes have already been taken care of.

So...I decided to take away what he loves most. Grounded him from the Wii, and the computer (unless he has to do homework...oh yeah...he doesn't DO that). I also suspended his private drum lessons that he loves so much.

But then I had to realize...the drum lessons are his enrichment. taking away his artistic release is exactly the opposite of what I do for a living. I would be putting him in the same position I'm trying to take my students out of. So...drum lessons were given back.

I talked to the drum instructor, because we have alot of the same views on things, and found out what he thought. He thinks that I need to try to work on the character flaw in him, and in this case, its laziness. So I ask the boy about this, and its true. So I ask him what I can do to help him out...what can I do to help motivate him. He says that the things he looks forward to usually motivate him. So we work out a few 'motivational spurs' that we both agree on. We're gonna try these for a few days, to find out if they work. If he comes home and gets his homework done, he can go outside and hang with his friends (something that was taken away previously), and he can read those flippin' manga books that I said weren't proper reading material for his reading logs (I still believe that...but these are his release, and I am secretly happy he has taken an interest in reading so much that he was hurt to lose this privilege). If we can get through the week with all homework done and turned in, then he will get his Wii and computer privileges back. Let's see how this goes.

Now, in AYD terms, this is giving the child safety and structure, but its also creating an awareness of self worth. Safety and structure because he knows exactly what he is to do afterschool everyday, and it creates a routine, which is what kids need to be comfortable. Also, self worth, because he was able to help me make this decision, and understands that I do trust him, until he gives me a reason not to. He feels like he really made the decision, and therefore, invests himself into the outcome. What we are looking for is a positive outcome, and our full intention is to work until we get one. My job in this case is to be supportive, and guide him. If he falters, I will be there to try to get him back on track, but I must let him do this on his own. This is HIS learning moment, I am just along for the ride.