Boredom Breeds (a repost from MySpace)

Hola.
I was going through some of my MySpace blogs from back in the day (while was in college), and came across this one, which I remember so vividly. Take a look:

May 15, 2007 - Tuesday

Boredom Breeds...literally, in this case
Current mood: distressed
So for the past week, I haven't been around, as you may or may not have noticed, because I was in Idlewild, Michigan, performing my play "The Colored Museum". We take a play from Eastern Michigan University up there every summer, in hopes of helping to revitalize this once booming Black Community back into what it was in its heyday.

After one of the shows, I was speaking to an beautiful elderly woman (her silver hair was so shiny and neat...I hope my gray hair turns out as beautifully regal as hers did), and she told me how much she liked the show, but she didn't think that very many people understood it. The play is a satirical account of the black experience in America...it has funny moments, but was written to make black folks uncomfortable enough that they think about their own lives (If you've never heard of it, look it up. "The Colored Museum" by George C. Wolfe)

You see, Idlewild is based in Lake County, Michigan...the poorest county in the state. That means that unemployment rates are high, and not many folks go to, or have gone to college. We come there, trying to persuade the high school students to get out of there, and see the world-through college first. We do this by offering a workshop a few weeks before we get there, and then even having some of the high school students work on our show as interns. One of the girls who interned for us 3 years ago just finished her freshman year at EMU, and we are so proud of her.

Anyway...this woman and I were chatting about how the we changed some of the language in the play, to make it more PG than the PG13 it had been before...and she told me that her favorite scene was one where a man was throwing out all of his childhood items, because he had to conform to society...but the boy inside of him was torn over the issue. The boy said "you can't forget your past...its always there with you", and it made a great impact on this woman. She went on and on about it, but was disappointed that not too many others 'got it'. Then she went on to ask me what the high schoolers thought of it, since we did a private show for them. I told her that they laughed through most of it, since it was funny, but they didn't really understand most of it...with the exception of a scene called "Permutations"...a scene about a teenage girl, who had sex with the garbage man, and instead of having a baby, she laid an egg, and then had to defend herself from her mother.

This was sad, but true. Many times last week, my fellow actors and I spoke on how boring being in Idlewild was. There was nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to see. No cable to watch. Cell phones barely had any service. The nearest McDonalds was a half hour away, and the highlight of their week was driving a half hour to the nearest WalMart. The high school kids really had nothing better to do than lay down and get pregnant, so that they'd have something to do...if you have a baby to take care of, you're not bored anymore!

The woman and I stood there discussing this for a few minutes. I told her that we do our best to set a good example, and try to encourage them to come to college...she said that's great of us to do, but it won't work. Their mommas don't want them to leave...if a child leaves, that mean less money from the government. If that child stays and has a baby, that's more money. She said that in most households around there, you had 5 generations living in one house, the oldest being 65, then 45, then 30, then 15, and newborn. (Sad, isn't it?) And all because they know that the more folks you have in a household, the bigger your check is. Even one of the interns we had this year was celebrating her first Mother's Day.

The intern asked me about my family. I told her I had 3 babies, and it was no shock to her. The other 2 women in the cast, 23 and 20 had none, which did shock her. Then I told her that all of my kids had the same father. AND we were married. AND I was 'of age' to have them...(she thought I was 24...and 'bout near pissed on herself when I told her my real age)

I guess the point of my story is this; why wouldn't a parent want better for their child? What would I look like telling my kids "no, you cant go to college, you cant make yourself better, i want you to depend on me and this welfare check for the rest of your life!"

Have we really become so complacent in this world? Our elders feel like they cant trust the young people, because we haven't been taught well by our own parents (in most cases, their children), and that we aren't teaching our children to lead in the way They (the elders) need them to.

I don't want to be this way...

_________________________________

True, I wrote this 3 years ago, but it still hits me so hard. I look at my life now, and see the girls I teach. I see my own kids, and I see the kids I go to church with. Its amazing how your environment can dictate your outcome, if you allow it to.

Readers, what are your thoughts? Please share...

Back to School has come and gone...

and I'm still waiting to begin work.

Well...let me backtrack. I'm 'working'...but in the office. We haven't started the afterschool program just yet, so I haven't met this years' students. We ended up with 10 students (out of the 18 we began with), and of those, 4 of them were 8th graders who graduated from our program, and (Thankfully) went to high school. Of the 6, we believe that 5 are returning, as one moved to another school district. Which means that we now have 13 slots for new girls....WHEW. This will not be easy!

As for my own kiddios, this year has been quite interesting. Q had a hard time last year...wait...hard time my butt, he was downright lazy, and we weren't sure he was going to make it out of 8th grade. I went to conferences, talked to counselors, helped with projects, etc., but he just wasn't getting the grades we expected.

Then I realized that Its wasn't me, it was HIM. He was being lazy! I couldn't sit in class and do the work for him; couldn't do his homework; couldn't be there at school to tell him to turn the work in. These were all things he was supposed to be doing. But...he just wasn't...had no reason for it,just wasn't.

So when April came around, and he was in danger of failing (and I received that retention letter from the school district), I told him I was washing my hands of the situation. If he wanted to be back at the same middle school next year, wearing that same blue shirt, that was fine with me. It took me a minute to get there, but I was resolved to be okay with my son being an 8th grader AGAIN. I wasn't happy with it, but if this is how he's gonna learn his lesson...

It turns out though, that maybe my letting go was what he needed. I wasn't there to hold his hand, to push him through. He actually applied himself and JUST BARELY made it out of 8th grade. We won't even speak on his grade point average, because Yes, it was shameful...he wanted to apply to go to the high school around the corner that has an amazing Arts program...but you had to meet the minimum GPA before you could even apply. So much for that.

So, all he was left with was our neighborhood school...which is a military academy. All students are enrolled in the Army JROTC program. Everyday, they are in full regalia and uniform. They are called by last names, and he is currently a Cadet. We had to shave his locs (boy, was he upset about that!), to comply with uniform regulations. (Actually, I took him to his first day of a 3 day orientation...they told him that first morning "we don't want to see your 'hair' tomorrow"). He was angry all summer about how he didn't want to go to this school because he didn't want to be yelled at everyday. I explained that "Its not boot camp, its high school", but he still wasn't having it, even though all of his neighborhood friends go there, and tried to tell him.

He just left a couple of minutes ago, beginning his third week of school. I have already noticed a change in him. He dresses in his uniform everyday, pants at his waist, uniform pressed by the cleaners, tie tight, shoes shined, belt just right, name tag and ID perfectly placed. He comes home everyday, sits at the table, DOES HIS HOMEWORK, even helps his sister when she needs it. He's still my 14 year old, but has somehow found something within himself to motivate himself. I had to let him know that I'd be here, but he is now 14...a high schooler, a teenager. I expect him to take care of business, but I also expect him to find himself. He needs a social life, he needs responsibility and he needs obligation. I think he is beginning to find all of this in this high school. Though he needs to find something to do after school now (because he's NOT coming back to my house to get in trouble! I''m not having that!). He's not really a 'sports' guy, so a sports team may not be for him, but there are clubs and things he can get into...

This is my firstborn. He's now 14 and taller than me, but I'm watching him grow into Himself. Its got a wow-factor that is sometimes overwhelming, especially as a single mom. I have to be honest, I'm starting to get scared, because now we are really coming into manhood, and I have no idea of what to do! When my brothers went through this, I wasn't really around, so I don't remember my parents examples. Dre moved to Texas with his biological father, and I was off doing my own teenage thing when Kemper was going through this (plus, he had just found out about his diabetes...so that took up most of his teen years, learning how to deal with that). The plan is to ask lots of advice, and to have the willing men and fathers from my church there to help guide him...but in the end, I am still momma. He is still 100% dependent on me, though he is learning how to gain his own independence. He is feeling out the world for himself, and instead of me reaching out to pull his hand back from the fire, I have to bite my lip, and allow him to scorch his own hand a bit. Its not easy (on my part or his...he's already shown me blisters that I have to take care of), but I am determined to help him be there best young adult he can be.

The Butterfly Effect

Good morning (or day, whenever it is that you get a chance to read this). Its a great day to be alive, oh yes, it is. Clearly, the sun is peeking through my mini-blinds, and I'm in a great mood!

First things first, I had to change things up around here, and got myself a new background, and some different colors...and they make me smile. I have a 'thing' for argyle right now, and purple being my favorite color, I just could not go wrong with this one. That and the fact that the youth in the background made my day! What do you think?

So, yesterday, Deputy Director and I went to an AYD reunion. Basically, anyone who went to an AYD training within the past year or so was invited back to check in, network, and be re-inspired about the work that us youth workers do. And BOY, was it inspiring.

The creator of the AYD Curriculum was there, and she explained how and why she came to write it, and then how she worked to get it to us. She ended up teaching the first 3 or 4 AYD trainings in the same church basement that I took my training in, the same one we were sitting in yesterday, 10 years ago. Boy, the effects those trainings had on the metro DC area!

Then, a wonderful family therapist (among a laundry list of other titles she carries,) Adrienne Noel of Baltimore, MD, served as our keynote speaker, explaining that the way a family communicates with one another is the way that they will act out their lives in society.

The way that she broke down our sample family made so much sense! I know that not only did I see these exact examples in some of my students families, but in my own as well.

For example:

*A woman refers to "My Baby's Father", and her teenaged daughter referring to her own "My baby's daddy". The daughter takes note from her own mother on how to 'show respect' to the father of her child, in giving him this title.

*Son of the family being called "Lil Man" as he is growing up, and then the pressures that are put on him prematurely, in order to live up to the moniker. (The same would apply, I feel, in a case of a little girl being called "Lil Mama")

*The way that parenting styles are carried out, especially between parents and offspring that are less than 20 years in age apart. How its usually one way (I'm the parent, children are to speak when spoken to, hard core discipline) or the other (I'm my childs best friend/we talk about EVERYTHING, but why won't they take my discipline seriously) and being able to find a balance, or not.

I also learned that the way that I communicate with my students can change their whole family. When I 'have a moment' with my girls (usually a disciplinary action, where we ask a disruptive student to take a moment in the hall, and we go and speak to them about it individually), I have to make sure that they understand why I have asked them to step out, realize what they did wrong, and how we can avoid this in the future. But I also have to make sure that they know I care about them; that I am not making judgement calls about them; that they are Important to Me, that I care enough to notice their actions, and that I see where they can improve and where I can offer my help. In most cases, if the student is comfortable with me, I make sure I hug them at the end of our conversation, because I want them to know that what I have said to them is genuine; I DO care about my girls, and want them to succeed. I also know that sometimes, these may be the only hugs that they get, for whatever reason, and this small amount of nurturing will go a long way.

I make sure that they know exactly how I feel about them (in the positive light). I remember telling one of my students just the other day, that I know she is a respectful young lady. She has two sisters in the program with her, and in listening to them speak, I know that they have been taught to resolve conflicts on a one on one basis. They actually use the term 'conflict resolution' in their everyday conversation! I let her know that I KNOW you have been taught this, that she knows how it works, but maybe we should try approaching it in a different way. Then I just told her plainly "I pay attention to you, what you do and what you say. You are an amazing person, but even amazing people have bad moments; let's work through this and get back to having amazing moments ." We went on to talk about getting past the issue, and getting back on track. Then I gave her a hug, and told her that I was glad she was in the program, and that she is so important to me, and why I am here (in the program). Then I sent her back into the classroom. Later on that day, the staff member that she had the conflict with gave her a shout out (which is a BIG DEAL to our students) for coming to her and solving the conflict on her own. I could do nothing but smile to know that Middle Sister had gone to the staff member on her own, and taken care of this in a quiet, inconspicuous manner, and that all was well in her world.

In turn, Middle Sister will now take this information she has just gathered back to her household. She will think about how she deals with someone, and this will pass along to the rest of her siblings, possibly even her parents. If so, I have done an effective job of youth development...for the day.

Youth development is ongoing, its constant. Youth are never fully developed. there are always teachable moments, just as there will always be learning moments. I am glad to have people and resources in my life that understand that, and are willing to teach and learn.

Anti-Prevention and Ask MommaYonna

So...today, we will talk about prevention programs. I'm sure you know of some...like DARE (anti-drug use), violence prevention programs, suicide prevention, sexual abuse/activity prevention...blah blah blah. I am not here to say that these things are good or bad; shoot, I was able to experience a number of these programs in my youth. You get alot of information out of these, and for some, the scare tactics actually work (...on kids who have been sheltered from these type of events, on a regular basis). But for many of our youth (and when I say Our, I mean my own, as well as the students I teach, who live in more urban areas, in close quarters with many people, and in metropolitan areas, where the rates of domestic crimes are high)these preventative programs just barely gloss over the facts that they see on a daily basis.

There is an assertion out there that 'problem free is not fully prepared', and I agree with this statement. When we try to "fix" our youth, we sell the young people short, and diminish our expectations for their achievement. We can do our best to teach them, and try to prevent high risk behaviors, but even if we achieve in doing so, its not the same as preparing them for the future. "Preparation requires an equal commitment to helping youth understand life's challenges and responsibilities and to teach youth the necessary skills for success."* Just because we are teaching the youth how to stay away and prevent issues from happening, we aren't fully preparing them for adulthood. They aren't going to "make it" in the world, just because they didn't get pregnant, join a crew/gang, or because they didn't use drugs; they learned prevention--not skills, knowledge or personal attributes. Developing the youth towards positive developmental outcomes really is the best strategy for problem prevention. It takes dedicated adults to do this. We have to help them strive for toward more positive goals that promote the skills and motivation they need to adopt and implement healthy lifestyles.

What does that mean?
I try my best to not tell a girl "Don't go out and have sex, you'll get pregnant, and that will be the end of life as you know it". Not only is this negative, but its flat out unlikely. How many teenaged mothers do you know of that still live a teenaged life? Still go to school, still hang with friends, still go on to college or get a job? True, life is different, because they have to come home to more responsibilities than a girl who doesn't have a child, but with some many multi-generational homes, there is most likely someone there who is taking up the slack for the youth. No one want to let the baby suffer, so everyone pitches in, in some way. Instead, I encourage her to think about other things; I ask questions to find out what they are thinking about, which in turn, gets them to discuss what they see, feel and think. I go out of my way to NOT make statements of judgement, because I know that I am an influence in their lives, and my personal feelings and opinions can change the way that they see me, but also their world. I also try not to share too much of my personal life experience in this matter, because that is subconsciously telling them my personals again...feelings and opinions. "Ms. Rayawwwwna didn't have sex at my age because she wasn't ready...I wonder what she thinks of me, because I was. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this with her anymore" would be the thoughts going through my students' mind, and I would lose the trust of a student, something that would hurt me dearly, since the safety and security that I strive to provide may not be readily available within their familial units, and I would have lost them right then and there.

Basically, with prevention programs, the young people are deemed competent and healthy when they do not participate in problem behaviors. This teaches them what not to do, but this does not teach them what they should do.

Woo.
Yeah. I've found myself being more and more critical of these programs here lately, because my son, Q, has been having alot of these types of programs being introduced in his middle school. Many times, he doesn't know it, but I get the reminder phone calls from school, and emails from teachers, asking for our participation. As a parent, this prompts me to bring things of this nature up in general conversation, as opposed to "You' aren't using drugs are you?", which of course he would deny (even if he were) out of fear of judgement and punishment. Instead, when its brought up in general conversation, he may feel more comfortable asking questions and discussing what he does know. At that time, I do my best to answer factually, and unbiased, no matter how I am feeling about it on the inside. Personal opinions must go out the window, unless he asks, and sometimes, even in that case, I still try to keep it to a minimum. YES, ITS HARD, but he is a youth in development as well!


Okay folks...
I'm getting long winded (as folks tend to do when they feel certain passion over a subject), so I'm going to cut it short here. But I do want to know what you think. Please comment, discuss, ask questions-whatever you feel comfortable doing. Also, should you have a question, or a situation you'd like to present to me, please do so at Momma.Yonna@yahoo.com, and I will do my best to help you out. Now, I am not the end-all/be-all when it comes to youth development (I'm still learning), but maybe I can offer a suggestion or some insight that will help you out. Then again, maybe I will end up learning from you. Let's find out together, eh?



*Advancing Youth Development: A Curriculum for Training Youth Workers, Handout 1-C, Key Youth Development Concepts and Assertions

For some clarification...

I just realized that my readers are not stupid, but they may not understand the terms I'm using...so here is a brief tutorial so you can understand where I'm comin' from.


AYD, or Advanced Youth Development/Developer: That's me. This is what I do by trade. I didn't realize it, but its my dream job. The National Department of Labor is JUST NOW starting to recognize Youth Development as a career path here in America.


Youth Development: (The What)A process by which ALL young people seek ways to meet thei basic physical and social needs and to build knowledge and skills necessary to succeed in adolescence and adulthood. (The How) An approach to working with young people that defines goals/outcomes based on capacities, strengths and developmental needs of youth.


Adultism: all those behaviors and attitudes which flow fromt he assumption that adults are better than young people, and entitled to act upon young people in myriad ways without their agreement. (note: this is me. Has been; its how I was raised. Most of you may agree.)


Common statements from adultists include : "When are you going to grow up?", "You're being childish", "What do you know, you haven't experienced anything!"

Adultists also include those who "just don't do (or do well with) kids", those who give up on youth because "they just don't (want to) act right", or "don't deserve help because they don't help themselves".

So now that we have that established, do me a favor, and participate in the poll I have here to the right of my page. Be honest please (its anonymous); I'd really like to know how aware people are. I will admit that I have been an active adultist for years now, but am learning my way out of it. It was how I wad treated as a child/youth, it was how I was taught ("Children should be seen, not heard"), and its what I used on my own children...still do in alot of instances. But as I said, I am LEARNING my way out of it.

I want to thank You for being willing to take this journey with me.




Thanks to The National Training Institute for Community Youth Work for the materials; DC Trust and DC Best for the AYD training; Interstages, Inc. for sponsoring my training; Thandor and Syreeta of DC trust for training me; Q, J, and Bean for allowing me to use it at home, and my 18 babies for giving me practice everyday.