Daddy issues...

So...alot of blogs have come out lately, addressing this notion of 'daddy issues' when it comes to women, how they live their lives and how their choice of companion is affected by this. (See this one)

Which of course, makes me reflect upon myself.

My parents were together for the first 7 years of my life.  Of course, being a young girl, I only saw what I wanted to see of my life, and at that point, school and cartoons made up most of my day.  I honestly do not remember most of that time, for whatever reasons, and that's fine with me.  Had there have been something scarring enough to have emblazoned itself on my memory, I'm sure it would have, so I am lead to believe that those 7 years were not so bad.

However, things must have been bad at some point, because when we were 7, mom packed up my brother and I and moved us across town.

Now, I am not going to sit here and say that daddy was never around, because that's just not true.  He came to visit, took us to see family, hung out with us...all kinds of things.  I never felt disconnected from my daddy.  He was my Superman!  Even when momma moved us 90 miles away, we still had our every other weekend visits with him, which was cool.  There was a custody battle that ensued, and because of it, every June 15 (for a few years straight) my brother and I moved from one parent's home to the other.  When I look back on it now, I actually liked that arrangement.  It was pretty cool with me.

While living with momma, I learned how to work hard, because as a single mom, that's what she did.  While living with daddy, I learned to cook and clean, and how to manage my money.  These are things that my paternal grandmother (my 'best friend' at the time) and my stepmother helped teach me as well.  I still never had the whole disconnect from my father.

Now that I am an adult, I totally see my father's influence on me, and my choices for relationships with men.  Glad to have almost always had him there, I knew what to look for in a mate, because of who he was, and who I loved him as.

• I know that I want someone who has begun to establish himself, but not yet at his peak.  I mean, let's be honest, I have 3 kids.  I need to know that you will be able to take care of us while I am doing that same for you.  This also leaves room for growth, since neither of us are at our peak.

• I know that I wouldn't mind him having children already, because my father taught me how to accept someone who already has their own, and how to blend a family.  This is important to me, since I am unable to have anymore myself.

• We must carry the same beliefs.  I have tried to stray from this in the past, only to find that it really does bring up ALOT more questions and issues than either one of us were ready for, and neither of us knew how to deal.

• I know that I must be submissive in certain instances, and that I am to be a support system, even when I do not agree completely with a decision that has been made. (And "I told you so" is NOT acceptable, because really, what help is that?)

Other things that I got from my father:

• Hiding my pains: while going through my bout with cancer, I only told a few people.  I don't know if anyone really knew how serious it was, but I know FOR SURE that my daddy didn't know.  By that time, he already had congestive heart failure, and I didn't need him having another heart attack on me.  Little did I know that he also was keeping a huge secret of his own...

• My spontaneity for travel:  I can hop on the road and take a trip anywhere, anytime.  As long as Ive got the fund and a working vehicle, (and my iPod, of course)

• Our love of music.  I don't think I need to expand on that one...

I am grateful to not have had to deal with 'daddy issues' like some others.  Though we didn't always live in the same home, I was never very far from mine.  Even as an adult, he stepped right back into 'being daddy' when I needed him to.  We had our own issues, but he helped shape me into who I am today, and who I seek to spend tomorrow with.

Something I got to honor him while I was away...I miss my Superman...

...thanks for reading.  Until next time...

~yonna

I am (not?) my hair...

Yesterday, I went to program with my hair out. Its HUGE right now. Of course, Saturday, I had an audition, and its common to have your hair the same way for the audition that you have it styled in your headshots, and because my hair is pretty versatile right now, my headshots were taken with the big hair. Of course, it can always be pulled back, so I have a smaller shot on the resume' side showing that. Its been kinda rainy and humid around here these past few days, so I thought nothing of just letting the fro go until the weather dried up. yesterday was another rainy day, and because I don't really cover my hair in the rain (its just hair...and its just rain. They go well together), and it just got bigger as the day went along.

I must admit,it felt good to not having to pull it back or up and out of the way.

When my students walked into the room (only 1 of our returners came yesterday, so it was all of the new girls), they all reacted in some way. Of course, I had prepared for that, and made sure I didn't make a big deal of it. We make sure that when they walk in, the focus is on them, not us. So I would just comment quickly, and change the subject to something about them.

One girl had a big reaction..."OH WOOOOW"....I said "yeah. How are you? How was your weekend?", quickly changing the subject. She couldn't stop gawking at it. It was a little uncomfortable, but I didn't sit and think about that much, I had students to tend to.

As the day went on, she began making comments about my hair. "Who did your hair?" I did. "What did you do to it?" I just wet it, added a little bit of product. But it gets curly with water.

And then she said "Girl please...those are tracks. I mean, its cute, but those are tracks".

Right then, I wanted to breathe hellfire on this child and shut her up. Like, seriously...for real? Tracks? For real?

Now, I have seen some really cute weave/track styles around here...and right now, everyone does want the curly fro style, so they add the tightly coiled tracks and pull the curls apart...so I can see how she'd confuse me with this. However, our lone returning student told her that it was my real hair. She then asked me again if it were tracks, and I told her no, you can scratch my scalp and everything (not that I'd really let her though).

She kept going on and on about the tracks, and I actually had to turn my back on this girl, because I was really getting angry about this. Then she asked my co-worker about my hair, the one Ive been working with for almost 2 years now. "What did you think when you first saw Miz Rayawwwwna's tracks?" "That's her real hair..."...I later found out that co-worker had heard her talking about these 'tracks' all day, but never realized she was talking about me, and found it funny.

I am very protective about my hair. I tell people to please ask before touching it, because it bothers me when you just stick your hands all up there. I don't let people 'play' in my hair. I believe it comes from losing it to cancer treatments...and then being so scared when it grew back.

Something no one knows (this is my first time ever admitting it)...my doctor told me to cut my hair off after one of my locs came out in my hands. I was already in radiation, and it was breaking down the keratin in my body. I had nails that fell off, and my nose and ears bruised easily, feeling mushy even. I had known for a few weeks that my hair would be next...he said I may no go chemo bald, but I should expect to lose hair.

I made it sound like I was wrestling with cutting off my hair...I guess, looking back, I really was. I didn't want to do it, not at all. When I finally got the nerve together, I went to Dwight and had him cover the mirror as he cut my locs off. I still have a small handful around here, in a bag. For the first few weeks, when things were ugly and uneven, I wore scarves, exclusively. I was so ashamed of having no hair.

When I finally did reveal it, I got a few shocked glances...but that was it. Mind you, I was still in college at the time, and a few of my girlfriends had all just shaved their heads too, but for fashionable/personal reasons. I guess everyone just thought I was going along with the trend, and honestly, that was cool with me. I didn't have to explain this to anyone, not even my roommate. Basically, I allowed my silence/indecision on the matter to lie for me, and not let anyone know what was going on with me.

I had to think about why this girl's comment about tracks made me so angry, and I think that's it! It took me so long (4 years almost to the day) to get my hair back to where I am completely comfortable with it. For someone to insist that it was fake offended me completely. Did she know that? No. Would I let her know? Absolutely.

I also had to think about her and her situation. Was she really making fun of me, or was she admiring me in her own 7th grade way? Both are possible, but I am choosing to see it the latter way. She is a young lady who is maybe 12, trying to fit in, trying to be cool. She doesn't have alot of hair, and usually just wears hers back in a ponytail, nothing fancy, nothing special. Her environment tells her that if you want long hair, or hair that is big and puffy, you buy it and sew it in. She is just coming to me from her own experiences. She may or may not think she's cute (one of her shout outs yesterday was to herself "Because she's pretty"...we find that many of them stress their looks when they are actually very insecure about them, as a false sense of security), and may think I am the opposite of what her personal thoughts of 'cute' are.

By the end of the day, I had calmed down. As we walked out of the classroom to our closet when we put all of our materials for the night, somehow I realized that she and I were ahead of the rest of the group. I told her quietly "It hurts my feelings when people comment on my hair being fake. I used to have cancer, and didn't have any hair, and it took a long time for it to get this long. So it really hurt my feelings when you kept saying that." Her mouth dropped open wide, and she didn't say anything. I told her "see you tomorrow", and smiled.

I shared this with my co-workers in debrief, and explained that I don't know if she really listened to my whole statement, or stopped listening at the word cancer...but they assured me, she heard it.

I never really thought I'd ever be so touchy about my hair...ah well...

Until next time...

Single Mommas: "That's just what we do"

Single-momma-hood. It happens. For whatever reason, however, why-ever...it happens. Some single momma's never intend to be single momma's, and hate it. Some start out in a 2 parent situation, and things 'don't work out'. Some are single from the beginning. Some choose to be a single momma. I'm sure there are other situations as well....but none-the-less, we are still Single Momma's.

So yesterday, I posted a blog about how I was sick, and woke up at an awful hour, trying to deal with the sickness. I went about my day, doing my best to nurse myself (and the Cadet, who's a little under the weather as well, and too 'big' for kiddie meds). I went to church, thinking that as the day went along, I'd get better, as long as I was drinking lots of fluids, taking meds, and taking it easy.

The music ministry always rehearses before we sing before the congregation on Sunday mornings, so I figured, "I just won't push it today". We were already joking that I'd be singing bass instead of soprano, because of how that cold had me sounding when I talked. We began to warm-up to on of the songs we'd be singing yesterday, and I could barely make it through. I'm so glad we were sitting down, because I would have had to! I could not draw in a proper breath to get through a 2 minute song! I knew I had to give it up for the day. I let the rest of the group know, humbling out a bit, because I LOVE worshipping with them, but I needed to take care of myself. I gathered my things, and went and found myself a seat in the congregation, all the while sweating and puffing on my inhaler. I ended up sitting in the third row, a couple of seats down from our oldest member, Miss Doris...a beautiful, 97 year old lady who is always one of the first people in the church, is always encouraging, still gets around on her own, and is such an inspiration. She just lost her final living family member, her daughter, earlier this summer. Yet she is still so faithful to God, and continues to live her life to the full. I sat a couple of seats down from her, because I didn't want to spread my germs to her and possibly get her sick, yet she encouraged me to come to the spot directly next to her. She told me "I usually get to see you onstage, you think I want to miss the treat of having you next to me?" I explained that I'm not onstage today because I'm sick, and didn't want to spread my germs to her. She then told me "Well, I will have to take my chances. Your flesh is weak, but your spirit is willing. Both of mine are strong and willing right now, so please, sit closer." How can I argue with that. As I sat, blowing my nose, sipping my ginger/lemon water and coughing, she rubbed my back, and continued with praising God, like this was nothing new.

For years, she was a single momma. Not that she meant to be, but she was. Her husband had passed away. She just did 'what we do'.

I passed on going to rehearsal after church, going to the youth ministry meeting, and instead brought myself and the kiddios home. I got on my nebulizer, took some cold meds and went to sleep. I ended up waking up, and going grocery shopping, but even that was physically draining. As soon as I came in the house, I got back on the nebulizer, trying to clear my airways. Being on the machine had a greater effect as well; the medicine helps to break up the mucus in my throat, so I was coughing and spitting as I sat there. After the treatment, I came back into my bedroom, to sit and chill. I let the kiddios know that I wasn't feeling well, and had bought them a DiGiorno at the store. Having a cooking 14 year old Cadet, I knew they were in good hands. The most I have to worry about, I thought, was the arguing over who would use the computer vs. the Wii. And that was exactly right.

Right around 8pm, I was feeling really short of breath, so I got back on the nebulizer for my third breathing treatment of the day. For some reason, it just wasn't working though. I mean, it was still breaking up the mucus, which is a good side effect, but what good is having side effects if the end result isn't there?

So I had Bean get in the shower at 8:30 as usual, to begin our nightly routine. Boy Wonder had gone into his room to draw, and the Cadet was the only one still in the living room. I called him into my room to tell him what my plan was. I let him know that I was going to the emergency room. The kiddios and I are all asthmatics, and have all had to go to ER's because of asthma, so he knew why I was going. Our nebulizer here at the house just wasn't strong enough for what I needed here, plus at the hospital, they have more specialized meds according to your symptoms. I let him know that I wanted to wait until everyone was getting ready for bed, that I would go, get treated and be right back home, since it wasn't a serious situation. He understood, and wasn't scared when I asked him if he was. He admitted he was a little worried though, but he was glad I was going. I told him to make sure he had his phone on and the ringer loud, and to text me as the night went on, and call me right before he went to bed.

As I went to the ER, I let a couple of people know, folks that I knew would be able to go and help the kids should I need them to, or that would be able to come and help me in the same way. I went to the ER that I knew wouldn't be crazy packed (thank God it wasn't)...but because I was so short of breath, and it was hurting my chest, I was immediately seen (so immediate that they printed my bracelet in triage, and I signed papers in my room, going to registration on my way out). I was checked into the ER at 9:10pm, and discharged at 10:51. I was back home, playing on Facebook by 11:28.

I was asked "why did you go alone" and "who's with you?"...I went alone because I had no one else to go with me. I didn't want to interrupt the kiddios schedule, and pack them all up to come with me. my kiddios are old enough to stay home for a couple of hours by themselves. I knew I wouldn't be gone all night, and if I were, I had people who could get to them quickly. I went alone because I had no one else here to go with me, but NEEDED to go. I'm a single momma. That's just what I do.

I make decisions all the time because I am a single momma. Last year, Bean and Boy Wonder used to come to my job everyday after school, because it kept them close to me, and it kept me from having to pay for after school care, something a single income household cannot budget for. I've had to swallow my 'pride' and go apply for government benefits, because they are all asthmatic and need medical insurance, as well as food benefits. No, it doesn't feel good, but I know that I go to work everyday, and that the kiddios SEE me working hard, and appreciating what we DO have, instead of 'taking advantage of the system'. Even the job I have-I wanted something that wouldn't have me bringing stresses home with me...where I can actually plan to go to parent/teacher conferences, where I can come home and help with homework. I have that job, and it has even taught me how to better deal with and raise them.

Back in the day (in college) I sold my (maternal) eggs to an in-vitro company...I got paid VERY well for only 6 weeks worth of work (like 2 months rent and all of Christmas well)...because its what I had to do. I've been making sacrifices for so long, that I can't even remember what most of them are to list them. (Last week, I didn't post because I had to let the cable get cut off...Bean needed a new school sweater, #KanyeShrug) But these are things that i have learned to live without, because I'm a single momma...and making these decisions now come easy to me. They didn't always...but over the years, I've learned to just 'let them'.

I came into single-momma-hood by choice, I like to say. We were married after the boys were born, divorced before Bean turned one. I could have stayed, but it wasn't the right choice. I made the decision to pick up the kids and go, and haven't really looked back. I wouldn't suggest this route for everyone, especially since everyone's case is different. But I had a great support system (still do!), and I have learned what works and what doesn't. I've found myself a little more independent than maybe I should be, and am still learning to let people in, and LET them help me if they offer. Single mommas will know that this is hard to do...since we have had to depend on self for so long.

Single mommas, speak out. Think about some of the things you "just do" for your kids, that others may never have to. Those of you who aren't single parents, take a listen. I cannot say thanks enough to the friends that I have (especially the men/fathers/husbands) who take time out from their own lives to help mine out. If you are able, find a single parent home, and 'adopt' them. I'm not saying that you need to provide for them financially...but maybe let the kids hang with you for a night so mom can go to a movie, or for a Saturday afternoon so she can nap/go grocery shopping alone/sit and watch a movie with a rating over PG-13, lol. Spend time with the kids individually; this is something that a single momma may not be able to do if she has more than one. Though this doesn't seem like much, believe me, it will be. Alot of single mommas don't get alone time, and would more than appreciate it, plus the kids would love a change of scenery.

I would love to hear what you guys think...


...until next time...

The Butterfly Effect

Good morning (or day, whenever it is that you get a chance to read this). Its a great day to be alive, oh yes, it is. Clearly, the sun is peeking through my mini-blinds, and I'm in a great mood!

First things first, I had to change things up around here, and got myself a new background, and some different colors...and they make me smile. I have a 'thing' for argyle right now, and purple being my favorite color, I just could not go wrong with this one. That and the fact that the youth in the background made my day! What do you think?

So, yesterday, Deputy Director and I went to an AYD reunion. Basically, anyone who went to an AYD training within the past year or so was invited back to check in, network, and be re-inspired about the work that us youth workers do. And BOY, was it inspiring.

The creator of the AYD Curriculum was there, and she explained how and why she came to write it, and then how she worked to get it to us. She ended up teaching the first 3 or 4 AYD trainings in the same church basement that I took my training in, the same one we were sitting in yesterday, 10 years ago. Boy, the effects those trainings had on the metro DC area!

Then, a wonderful family therapist (among a laundry list of other titles she carries,) Adrienne Noel of Baltimore, MD, served as our keynote speaker, explaining that the way a family communicates with one another is the way that they will act out their lives in society.

The way that she broke down our sample family made so much sense! I know that not only did I see these exact examples in some of my students families, but in my own as well.

For example:

*A woman refers to "My Baby's Father", and her teenaged daughter referring to her own "My baby's daddy". The daughter takes note from her own mother on how to 'show respect' to the father of her child, in giving him this title.

*Son of the family being called "Lil Man" as he is growing up, and then the pressures that are put on him prematurely, in order to live up to the moniker. (The same would apply, I feel, in a case of a little girl being called "Lil Mama")

*The way that parenting styles are carried out, especially between parents and offspring that are less than 20 years in age apart. How its usually one way (I'm the parent, children are to speak when spoken to, hard core discipline) or the other (I'm my childs best friend/we talk about EVERYTHING, but why won't they take my discipline seriously) and being able to find a balance, or not.

I also learned that the way that I communicate with my students can change their whole family. When I 'have a moment' with my girls (usually a disciplinary action, where we ask a disruptive student to take a moment in the hall, and we go and speak to them about it individually), I have to make sure that they understand why I have asked them to step out, realize what they did wrong, and how we can avoid this in the future. But I also have to make sure that they know I care about them; that I am not making judgement calls about them; that they are Important to Me, that I care enough to notice their actions, and that I see where they can improve and where I can offer my help. In most cases, if the student is comfortable with me, I make sure I hug them at the end of our conversation, because I want them to know that what I have said to them is genuine; I DO care about my girls, and want them to succeed. I also know that sometimes, these may be the only hugs that they get, for whatever reason, and this small amount of nurturing will go a long way.

I make sure that they know exactly how I feel about them (in the positive light). I remember telling one of my students just the other day, that I know she is a respectful young lady. She has two sisters in the program with her, and in listening to them speak, I know that they have been taught to resolve conflicts on a one on one basis. They actually use the term 'conflict resolution' in their everyday conversation! I let her know that I KNOW you have been taught this, that she knows how it works, but maybe we should try approaching it in a different way. Then I just told her plainly "I pay attention to you, what you do and what you say. You are an amazing person, but even amazing people have bad moments; let's work through this and get back to having amazing moments ." We went on to talk about getting past the issue, and getting back on track. Then I gave her a hug, and told her that I was glad she was in the program, and that she is so important to me, and why I am here (in the program). Then I sent her back into the classroom. Later on that day, the staff member that she had the conflict with gave her a shout out (which is a BIG DEAL to our students) for coming to her and solving the conflict on her own. I could do nothing but smile to know that Middle Sister had gone to the staff member on her own, and taken care of this in a quiet, inconspicuous manner, and that all was well in her world.

In turn, Middle Sister will now take this information she has just gathered back to her household. She will think about how she deals with someone, and this will pass along to the rest of her siblings, possibly even her parents. If so, I have done an effective job of youth development...for the day.

Youth development is ongoing, its constant. Youth are never fully developed. there are always teachable moments, just as there will always be learning moments. I am glad to have people and resources in my life that understand that, and are willing to teach and learn.

Anti-Prevention and Ask MommaYonna

So...today, we will talk about prevention programs. I'm sure you know of some...like DARE (anti-drug use), violence prevention programs, suicide prevention, sexual abuse/activity prevention...blah blah blah. I am not here to say that these things are good or bad; shoot, I was able to experience a number of these programs in my youth. You get alot of information out of these, and for some, the scare tactics actually work (...on kids who have been sheltered from these type of events, on a regular basis). But for many of our youth (and when I say Our, I mean my own, as well as the students I teach, who live in more urban areas, in close quarters with many people, and in metropolitan areas, where the rates of domestic crimes are high)these preventative programs just barely gloss over the facts that they see on a daily basis.

There is an assertion out there that 'problem free is not fully prepared', and I agree with this statement. When we try to "fix" our youth, we sell the young people short, and diminish our expectations for their achievement. We can do our best to teach them, and try to prevent high risk behaviors, but even if we achieve in doing so, its not the same as preparing them for the future. "Preparation requires an equal commitment to helping youth understand life's challenges and responsibilities and to teach youth the necessary skills for success."* Just because we are teaching the youth how to stay away and prevent issues from happening, we aren't fully preparing them for adulthood. They aren't going to "make it" in the world, just because they didn't get pregnant, join a crew/gang, or because they didn't use drugs; they learned prevention--not skills, knowledge or personal attributes. Developing the youth towards positive developmental outcomes really is the best strategy for problem prevention. It takes dedicated adults to do this. We have to help them strive for toward more positive goals that promote the skills and motivation they need to adopt and implement healthy lifestyles.

What does that mean?
I try my best to not tell a girl "Don't go out and have sex, you'll get pregnant, and that will be the end of life as you know it". Not only is this negative, but its flat out unlikely. How many teenaged mothers do you know of that still live a teenaged life? Still go to school, still hang with friends, still go on to college or get a job? True, life is different, because they have to come home to more responsibilities than a girl who doesn't have a child, but with some many multi-generational homes, there is most likely someone there who is taking up the slack for the youth. No one want to let the baby suffer, so everyone pitches in, in some way. Instead, I encourage her to think about other things; I ask questions to find out what they are thinking about, which in turn, gets them to discuss what they see, feel and think. I go out of my way to NOT make statements of judgement, because I know that I am an influence in their lives, and my personal feelings and opinions can change the way that they see me, but also their world. I also try not to share too much of my personal life experience in this matter, because that is subconsciously telling them my personals again...feelings and opinions. "Ms. Rayawwwwna didn't have sex at my age because she wasn't ready...I wonder what she thinks of me, because I was. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this with her anymore" would be the thoughts going through my students' mind, and I would lose the trust of a student, something that would hurt me dearly, since the safety and security that I strive to provide may not be readily available within their familial units, and I would have lost them right then and there.

Basically, with prevention programs, the young people are deemed competent and healthy when they do not participate in problem behaviors. This teaches them what not to do, but this does not teach them what they should do.

Woo.
Yeah. I've found myself being more and more critical of these programs here lately, because my son, Q, has been having alot of these types of programs being introduced in his middle school. Many times, he doesn't know it, but I get the reminder phone calls from school, and emails from teachers, asking for our participation. As a parent, this prompts me to bring things of this nature up in general conversation, as opposed to "You' aren't using drugs are you?", which of course he would deny (even if he were) out of fear of judgement and punishment. Instead, when its brought up in general conversation, he may feel more comfortable asking questions and discussing what he does know. At that time, I do my best to answer factually, and unbiased, no matter how I am feeling about it on the inside. Personal opinions must go out the window, unless he asks, and sometimes, even in that case, I still try to keep it to a minimum. YES, ITS HARD, but he is a youth in development as well!


Okay folks...
I'm getting long winded (as folks tend to do when they feel certain passion over a subject), so I'm going to cut it short here. But I do want to know what you think. Please comment, discuss, ask questions-whatever you feel comfortable doing. Also, should you have a question, or a situation you'd like to present to me, please do so at Momma.Yonna@yahoo.com, and I will do my best to help you out. Now, I am not the end-all/be-all when it comes to youth development (I'm still learning), but maybe I can offer a suggestion or some insight that will help you out. Then again, maybe I will end up learning from you. Let's find out together, eh?



*Advancing Youth Development: A Curriculum for Training Youth Workers, Handout 1-C, Key Youth Development Concepts and Assertions