Had to write it...

So.  Ive been thinking about this post ALL DAY.  And here it is, 11:11pm, and I am just now bringing myself to do it.  Im hoping that i can keep this VERY short and sweet, just get to the point and get it over with.

A few days ago,a close friend of mine wrote This Blog, and of course I commented.  It was about her dreaming about a situation surrounding her deceased father, and her having to 'let go'.  I was close to tears reading it, and wondered in the comments if it would take something like that for me to begin letting go.  I mean, her father has been gone for years, and she's still grieving.  Daddy has only been gone since June2009, and it feels like the pain will never go away.

Anyway...

I was dreaming.  I was back in Muskegon, MI, visiting family, I'm guessing, since I really don't have any other reason to be there.  I don't really remember much of the dream, except the end.  I am sitting in the backseat of someone's SUV with my girl Peaches (who lives here in DC now, but we grew up together), and my cousin, Chris (who, ironically, still lives there, and is Lt. Fire Chief).  Its dark outside, and I'm guessing its around midnight, and we hear a marching band.

Marching band in Muskegon Hts. is a huge deal.  EVERYONE is in band...the Band Director, Mr. Moore, went to FAMU, and treated us like we were in college.  We played songs that were currently playing on the radio, formations were tight, we even danced.  Band was hot.

So when we heard the band at nearly midnight, we were slightly shocked, but knew they were getting some good work in.  I looked over at Peaches, who said something to the effect of "Go ahead, Mr. Moore, work them out!", and I smiled as well, knowing what she meant.

Band in the Heights...well Muskegon Hts. Tiger pride, is a huge thing within the alumni of the school, so there are always community members volunteering to do whatever they can to help out.  Former band members (now middle aged adults) often march alongside of the band, for safety reasons, as well as to keep lines straight, march steps on time, etc.

For some reason, I think we wanted to get out of the SUV and watch, so my cousin opens my door, and I look out at the band.

"Oh my God, that's my daddy".

I saw him, but he didn't see me.  He was too busy making sure the band members were doing the right thing.  He was waving at the neighbors who came out to watch the band (at midnight, like it was a parade).  He was smiling and he was happy, but he didn't see me.  I began crying, bawling hysterically.  I don't know what else happened around me...I just remember crying.

And then I woke up.

It hurt my feelings to wake up.  I saw La at church today, and she thanked me for commenting on her blog, and I poured this story out...and by the end, we were both in tears.

I don't know what this means...but I had to get it out.  I wish I had a dream interpreter...or at least an appointment with Dr. Sistagirl...

Until next time...

"I Got Allergies....to you I'm reacting..." (Dionne, "Allergies, from her album "Unrealistic")

So yeah....
I never had issues with allergies when I lived in Michigan...but the DC area just DOES NOT want to let up on me when it comes to punishments, so here I am, sandpaper-eyed, snotty nosed and sinus pressured. THANKS DMV!

Went and saw Dr. Sistagirl today,my psychologist, who needed to know all of the business and goings on with me this past week. I let her know that I have been so paranoid because of a certain situation in my home, which has me sleeping in my living room instead of my bedroom...that my financial situation isn't where it should be, and these allergies are kickin my butt! She says that right now, she sees it causing a 'situational depression' within me...meaning that when these situations have passed, she thinks I will go back to being my old self. Let's hope that is the situation.

So next week, "touring for Jesus" begins again, and although I'm broke, I am quite excited at the same time! Its amazing, that with all of the stuff (and the mess!) that I go through, how happy singing truly makes me! Not to mention the fact that I still wonder how (of all people) I was one of the chosen...

So...enough rambling...time to open it up to you readers.

As of yet, I don't know exactly what I am allergic to. I currently take Zyrtec, a 24 hour anti-histimine, drink lots of tea, eat lots of fruits and nuts. Do you have any suggestions as to how I ccan deal with this mess until the allergy
season subsides? What do you do, if you too are a sufferer?

and, as usual...if there is any topic you'd like me to touch upon, be it questions about kids, or singing...or anything at all, please email me at mzrayona@yahoo.com, and I will do my best to give you my point of view on the subject.

Until next time...

Working things out

Sorry I've been so quiet lately. After the storm of the century, I have really had to buckle down and get some things done. I am currently rehearsing for a play (The Vagina Monologues, yay!), working with my student, with my kiddios and working out. I'm also seeing the new therapist!

Being in the show has renewed my spirit in acting. I LOVE being an actress...I love the demands, the characterization, love being able to step into someone else's life for awhile, to be able to take someone else to another world for as long as they are suspended in belief. Of course, this play has only one showing, which also works well for my schedule...being a busy momma and all...

As far as therapy, it seems to be going well. I met with the new doctor, and I am very comfortable with her (I just wish she would speak louder! Makes me feel like I'm going deaf!) So, after a long discussion, we decided on a treatment plan. Therapy once a week, and I will meet with the doctor monthly. I am not so gung ho about medication, so after this first month without it, we will decide if medication is best. I am so encouraged by this news. What a great compromise...and I am glad that I was given the option in the first place.

Alrighty folks...just wanted to drop in for a quick update...will be chatting with you again soon! Thanks for hangin' in there with me!

~yonna

Blah!

What's goin on?

Just a brief check in, to let you know whats going on in the world of MommaYonna...

~Had an appointment with the new therapist this past Thursday. Mind you, this would be our first, since I had an appointment back in October, which was rescheduled for November, which was rescheduled (yes, AGAIN) for this past Thursday. I was just excited to have NOT gotten another phone call from the office saying we'd have to reschedule again. So I make my way to the office, ready to go! Go up the elevator, to the office door and BAM! Slapped in the face with the HEAVY, syrupy scent of Artificial Cinnamon. It was so thick that my eyes immediately began to itch and well up with tears...for those of you who don't know me well, or in person, I am allergic to artificial cinnamon. It swells my respiratory passages rather quickly, and I already can't breathe, having asthma. I walk up to the receptionist (how nice, you're hidden behind a glass window, away from this demon air), and tell her I'm here for my appointment. She asks me if I'm okay, and I tell her that I am allergic to their air fresheners, as I fumble with my purse, looking for my Benedryl. (I keep lots on hand this time of year, since that scent is synonymous with the holidays) She just looks at me like I am wasting her time. I finally take a Benedryl Melt Away and hope for the best...as she hands me a stack of paperwork to fill out. I ask her if that one Plug-In I'm seeing is the only one in the small waiting room, she says "No, there are 2". I can't escape it. I tell her I will be right back, and go into the hallway to fill out my paperwork.

Once I am finished, I return to the waiting room, and ask her if the doctor's office is scented as well, and she tells me that it isn't. So I sit in the office, scarf wrapped around my face tightly, my hand securing it, looking like a true mental case to everyone else in the room. Clearly, I'm sure they thought, she is in the right place.

So a half hour later, I am still sitting in the waiting room, and I hear the receptionist on the phone with someone. By now, there is only myself and one other patient in the room, and with it being 11:30, she came early for her 11:45. I hear the receptionist asking 'how long will you be?' to someone, and then 'well, your 11 o'clock is here' (that's me). She then gets off the phone. I'm expecting her to let me know that the doctor will be in shortly, he's parking, he's caught in traffic, ANYTHING...but she doesn't.

After another 5 minutes, I politely muffle through my scarf that I cannot take it anymore, I can't breathe, and I'm gonna have to go. She asked me if I wanted to reschedule, and I replied No. You've rescheduled me 3 times. The doctor isn't here, and who knows when he will be. You're assaulting me with histamines, and you don't really care. No. I will not be returning to this office. EVER.
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The students are having a sleepover this coming Monday night, since we haven't had program in almost a week, and will not until January 4, when school resumes. This should be interesting.

The last day of program, we had a special, Secret guest come and speak to us. We prepared the students on how to act when a special guest comes, but for some reason, our Directors couldn't tell us who the guest was. Not even me, and I'm on staff! It was hard to help them prepare the girls, but for some reason, this guest needed complete anonymity...no press, no pictures, nothing but extra police protection. And this person was coming SPECIFICALLY to see our girls.

It turns out that our special guest was Dr. Maya Sotorro-Ng. (Also know as POTUS Barack Obama's little sister). I, for one, was blown away. She has been outspoken about Mixed Races in America, and is someone I look up to. She has also moved MANY times in her life (as I have) and taught middle school. She was in situations that many of our girls have faced, and was an all around great guest. She recognized when they were starting to zone out, and made sure to keep them engaged. A wonderful speaker!

She explained that she didn't want anyone else to know she was coming because she didnt want to draw attention to herself. She had been visiting DC for about 4 months now (is moving back to Hawaii in a couple of days) and loves her anonymity. She has only been recognized 6 times out of 4 months, and uses it to her family's advantage. She told us how just the day before, she had taken Sasha and Malia out to a bookstore, and while the public knew who the girls were, they didnt know who she was. She was able to keep people away from the girls, asking them to "allow the girls to have just a bit of normalcy", and they obliged. She is able to make runs here and there for Barack and Michele, that they would never be able to do themselves without a motorcade and pomp and circumstance. I can understand that! I was just honored to have her there with us.
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In a little more than a week, the kiddios and I will be going on vacation, meeting my mother at our destination. This should be interesting, as I have never done anything like this before. Its always been me and the kiddios, or me and mom; never the 5 of us. I'm sure I will have plenty to share about that when I return, maybe even a few pictures.

Sheesh...didnt mean to be so long winded. My apologies.

See you next time.

Its an unsunny Saturday...

And its raining, so its gonna be a lazy one.

On thing I learned while living in Michigan is that the color of the sky can effect your mood. Its unfortunate, but this is true. I have (what is politely known as) Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. Lucky me.

When the sky is sunny, blue or even bright and white with clouds, things are swell. Even at night, when the sky is clear, I'm okay. But on dreary days such as today, when grey is all you see as you look up, the effects trickle down into moods. Like mine.

SAD is (another) form of depression, which occurs according to the seasons, most often winter. (HELLO December!) It has a number of symptom, including:
* Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
* Carbohydrate cravings
* Decreased interest in work or other activities
* Depression that starts in fall or winter
* Increased appetite with weight gain
* Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
* Lack of energy
* Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
* Social withdrawal

So, out of those 9 symptoms, I can honestly say that I experience 6 of them on the regular, and about 4 or 5 of them as I type this. This is something that I have spoken to Dr. A about, he is going to have me begin light therapy treatments for this. Basically, you sit in a small room with a special type of bright light, which is supposed to mimic sunlight, for a period of time. It sounds crazy (or even like something you should be able to do at home!), and...to be honest, it is. Who woulda thunk it, right?

Well...I've tried it. And no, I can't mimic this at home. The smallest room in my house is a huge storage closet (beyond the bathroom, I mean), and it isnt very well lit. Besides that, I dont have a lamp that would provide enough light, and although I would love to take a shopping trip to IKEA for one, now is not the time. My insurance pays for this treatment (Thank God for that-the insurance and them being willing to pay), so I will take my book/laptop/iPod and get my hour in the manmade sun on!

For my readers information, I was able to find a bit of info that may help you recognize this, should you feel that you may deal with this, or know someone who may. I am not a doctor, and do not claim to be one, but should you see these symptoms, the affected person should seek professional help.

The disorder may begin in adolescence or early adulthood. Like other forms of depression, it occurs more frequently in women than in men. Most people with the "winter blahs" or "cabin fever" do not have SAD.

The cause of SAD is not known, but it is thought to be related to numerous factors, including:

* Ambient light (this one is me, for sure!)
* Body temperature (I am always the opposite of everyone else)
* Hormone regulation (Once again, this is me!)

A rare form occurs in the summer.



Hopefully, you have gotten something out of this. I find that discussing these issues makes me Think about them more, and Suffer from them less (although I don't like to say I Suffer from the depressions; instead I DEAL with them!)

Have a wonderful, unsunny day!

Good days...and bad ones too

Hello there! Lots going on this holiday week, but I didn't want to leave you without a post. I'll be back next week with good newness, especially since I plan on taking another AYD course next week, and you know, with new training comes new insight!

Umm, yeah...
So, a subject that I haven't really hit on very much is this depression that I deal with. Notice, I said deal with, and not suffer from. Though some days are harder than others, and I do a bit of suffering, I don't like to say that. I deal with it on a day by day basis. And at times, it seems like day in, day out, things aren't getting better, but I'm still here, aren't I?

So I STILL have yet to see my therapist (appointment has been rescheduled for next week...and doggit, it just struck me that its during this training I'm thinking of taking...hmmm...) but luckily I have friends who not only have dealt with issues such as depression, but I also just discovered that I have friends who are actually therapists of various kinds as well. See what speaking up will do?

Anyway, I have what I like to call "down days", where I can't even seem to get out of bed. I get up, get my kids out the door and on their way to school, but then I cant seem to motivate myself to do anything else. I mean, this depression hurts, physically. My body is all over the place; I am hardly hungry, I barely sleep and honestly, if I didn't HAVE to, I probably wouldn't bathe. Too much information, I'm sure...but I'm just being honest. I make it a point of being excited to go to work with the girls, so I force myself out of the bed and into the bathroom for a daily hygiene regimen, to set a good example. Yeah, its come to that.

In all actuality, its like that on a daily basis, weekends too. I have to make lots of plans and keep myself busy in order to keep myself from wallowing everyday. That's a good thing, really. As long as I'm up, moving and doing something for someone else, I am happy. Service is what keeps me busy, and it makes my mind work when it doesn't really want to. As I type this, I am checking the time, because I have volunteered to drop of Thanksgiving baskets collected by my church to a senior citizens home.

Rambling...The point of all of this was to give a tip that I was given this weekend.

Since i have returned home from Daddy's funeral in June, I haven't been so motivated (thank the depression) to clean my home a fervently as I had in the past. I have done my best to make sure that the common areas are presentable, but my room is in a constant state of CHAOS. CHAOS meaning Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. When I have people over, they should be able to roam freely in my home (I believe), especially since I have a bathroom in my room, and if the other is in use, mine should be available. Well, let's be honest...the door to my bedroom has been closed to the public for months now, and I do not feel at all good about that. The advice that I got this weekend was to do everything in steps. I can't cure my depression overnight, nor can I wipe away its effects on me. I have to take small steps to get to where I need to me.

So today, I cleaned off my bed and changed the sheets. Sounds easy, but honestly, it wasn't. It took real effort to do it. I wanted to make sure that I put everything away that was piled up on the bed, and then I got to stripping it and putting on brand new sheets...the ones I had bought a couple months ago, but never had the energy to put on. And the energy it took! It took me all of 45 minutes to accomplish my task, and I feel great...tired, but great! (I told you, depression wears on your physical body!) I am leaving to go visit family for the holiday tomorrow and how great will it be to come home to a fresh, cozy bed?

That was step one. Step 2 will be to clean off the top of my dresser, either tonight or tomorrow. See, it may not be a big deal, and may not look like much to everyone else, but I know that it is making a difference. It may take alot longer than some think it should, but it gets done. Looking at the big picture, my entire room, that's overwhelming; I get discouraged and procrastinate and it never gets done. But by taking a small bit and doing it, its not so daunting.

Didn't mean to be so long winded there...

So as you go on your way about this holiday week, I hope that you and yours have a blessed one. Be thankful for what you have, and do not regret what you do not. Take a look at those children in your life, and treasure the time that you have with them as youth. Look at your relationship with them; do you respect them as people (not kids)? Do you talk to them in ways that make them feel less of a person, or are you contributing to their enrichment, and guiding them to make choices that will make their transition to adulthood pleasant? Are you depositing or withdrawing from their emotional banks? Will they be thankful for you being in their lives?

Have a wonderful week, and don't eat too much! Be careful out there on Black Friday as well!

the turnaround

Hey there readers...this week has been a whirl-wind!

First things first, thanks for the well wishings that I got. I had fully recovered, and am chock full of the daily recommended amount of blood again, so I am all ready to go!

On the home front...things are...different. Report cards came out this week, and school pictures were sent home at the same time. Its funny...when I look at the pictures of my kiddios, I can see everything that is going on in their live, right on their faces.

Q has this "I'm too cool to smile, because thats just not what 8th grade boys do...but momma said she was paying good money for these pictures, so I'd better not look mean" look on his face. He also shows me that there are lots of things on his mind...gotta keep his grades up, or the drum lessons will become shorter; dealing with girls; trying to keep up with homework; and church things: his best friends go to church with us, and do things one way, while the neighborhood kids he goes to school with do things another way. He feels like he has 2 sets of friends, and being the same person in front of both groups isn't as easy as he thought it would be.

J brought his pictures home, and his face looks like "I want to smile...and I'm gonna...but wait! I'm not ready...doggit, you caught me". J is having some issues right now. What I didn't realize in my own grief is that J (who is named after my daddy) has been hit hard by his death as well. Not only are J and I very close, and he sees what I'm going through, but being a namesake hasn't made things easier for him. His grades are effected. Being a child who deals with emotional abuse issues, he takes EVERYTHING alot harder than his siblings. His grades are showing this as well. He does great on his tests, and does his homework, but gets lazy at the point where he has to hand it in. He is also easily distracted in class. I told him today to let his teacher know that I need to work on an IEP (Individual Education Plan) with her, because I am thinking that he may need psychological help in school. I already sees a counselor, and is in the 'Confidence Club' (a group of students who are shy or have esteem issues, working with one of the school counselors), but he may need more than that. I already knew what his grades were before the report cards came home (thanks to online grade reporting), so I knew what to expect. However, he was crushed when he got his grades. He was reluctant to show me, because he thought he was going to get in trouble, but since I knew a couple of weeks ago, I had already thought about what to do, and without him realizing it, we have already been dealing with it. But those grades! The only thing that he has to gauge himself with...he saw them, and immediately decided that he was stupid. I have to explain to him constantly that he is not stupid, he is not a dummy, but maybe the way he's learning isn't the style that's best for him. I explained that there are 9 different learning styles, and most teachers really only use 3 or 4 of them. I told him that I will help him to find his learning style, and that we will work together to bring those grades up...together.

Bean's pictures showed me exactly what I already knew about her. "I love this, this is cool, I am great and everything is well with the world". Her smile is so easy, and third grade life couldn't be better. Her only real issues in life are why we can't go out and buy her teacher a huge birthday present, and dealing with her brothers at home. However, last night, she told me she felt so bad, she wanted to run away. I asked her why, she said "because I keep doing wrong things". She said this after I reminded her about deodorant. (Yes...its gotta be in the hormones in the food...my baby has been wearing deodorant since she was 5!) Every night, after showers, I ask my kids the 3 questions...Did you brush your teeth? Did you put on deodorant? Did you take your medicine? She had forgotten one of those, and I asked her to go and do it. Earlier in the day, she had forgotten to do something else. To me, its no big deal, but I have to remember, I'm not 8. To her, anytime mom has to tell her to do something that she should have already done, its a big deal, and 'maybe I'm getting in trouble'. I tried to break it down to her as much as I could, explaining that everyone makes mistakes before they get really good at something, they even forget a bunch of times before something becomes a habit. We laid together, quietly talking for a few minutes, as I let her know that messing up is okay and that I would be very sad if she ran away. My life wouldn't be the same, and who would help me when the brothers ganged up on me? Who would sing the girl songs with me, and who would I practice dancing with?

I swear, being a momma shows me myself. I thought this morning that a few months ago, all yesterdays conversations would have gone so differently...but thinking about youth development has really changed me. I also think about how my being an adult versus them being children has got to feel on their part, and that I don't want to disrespect them as people. Young people, but people nonetheless.


When was the last time you changed a conversation you were going to have with a child out of respect for them? Have you ever punished, or 'snapped' on a child because its 'what your're supposed to do'? Did this happen to you as a child, and if so, how has it effected your adulthood?

Well, hello you!

Hey there!

So, I decided that I missed the blogging world, and since I didn't wanna traipse back over to the world of DramaSpace, I chose to begin life again here. And yay for you finding me!

I am...the mother of 3 beautiful and challenging Kiddios...Q, the 13 year old 8th grader who's barely taller than me, but still quite respectful (for the time being); J, 11 and insecure, a 6th grader who deals with alot of issues internally; and Bean, the 8 year old wonder, who is in 3rd grade, and is the worlds greatest social butterfly.

I also work for a non-profit org her in the DC Metro region, where I teach drama/stage design/basic life skills to 6th, 7th and 8th grade girls in a low income area, who go to a school that really should be shut down. Not only because of the structure of the building, but because of the structure of their education. They are just barely making the cut, but its not their fault. They dont understand this, because it is all they know. Honestly, this is my dream job, and while it is challenging, I couldn't be happier with what I do.

Also, in my personal life, I am learning to deal with depression. I have had alot of huge changes within my life this past year, from graduating college and moving far away, to losing my beloved father this past June.

So...put all of that together, and you get me. Yonna. A momma, AYD (advanced youth development) worker, and overall crazy lady. This should be fun, seeing how the 3 cross paths (as they do, on the daily, BELIEVE ME!) Glad to see that you're willing to take the ride with me!